Complaints and ramblings, in other words, wasting

While browsing through the Multiply pages of some people I know back home in Bacolod, I just realized that it’s been exactly a year since I graduated college. Where did the time go?

I went through my grad pics to help my mind recall the moments.

I should feel nostalgic or something like that, or at least happy. But I don’t know..I feel somewhat blue and empty as I look back on it. I feel like I have done nothing in a time when I should be remembering it as one of the few best times of my life. Nothing in a sense that I didn’t make the most out of it. 2006 should be the best year. I mean, it was the year I graduated college, and passed the board exam. It was indeed the best in some ways but I don’t know why I feel like I’m missing something.

Maybe it has something to do with my parents leaving home and us, moving to a new country. Nothing we did was ordinary; It was all big changes and I’m not all that good in handling big changes. In situations like this, I just want the ordinary. Ordinary was home to me. I wanted to come home after the boards in Manila to a place I know by heart. I wanted to make up for the time that I was away from home by being in college. I wanted my parents to be there, in our home, like as always. I may sound childish and bratty because hey, I’m already 21 yet I’m still clinging to my parents like I’m a toddler. But I just want to be HOME, that’s all. The place I know as home has definitely changed now. It will only be in my memory. Right now I felt like I’m still seeking it. Yes, I’m now with my parents and we’re starting a new life in a new place, and I don’t like it. I should be thankful that we’re blessed to be here than being stuck in the Philippines where the future is grim and precarious. But sometimes I just wish that things are the way it used to be. We’re in our home in Bacolod and family and friends are always there. I miss our home sweet home. Our life was not that bad anyway when it comes to finances. In spite of the money crisis in the country, we’re still able to dine out almost every night, shop and travel to our heart’s desire. But I know my parents wouldn’t settle for the future with the kind of economy and filthy (not to mention, ridiculous) politicians the Philippines has right now. That’s why they chose to migrate to the US, in search for a better future for me and our family.

I don’t know…I feel so empty. I want to do something big, something wild. I just want to let loose. I’m sick of being sick of spending another boring day. I want to have fun. I do have fun every now and then but I want more..much much more. And I just miss being with my friends back home. At this point of my life, I still feel like I’ve been sheltered too much and I’m longing to do a lot of things that I’m not allowed to do just because my parents are strict and over protective. This makes me so mad at times. I even get sleepless and palpitations just thinking about it. I feel like I’m missing a big chunk of time in my life and it’s just passing me by. I know this is really crazy but I even came to a point that I just want to elope or get married or something. In that way, I can be a real adult and do whatever I want, without inhibitions from other people. But then again, I don’t want to get married for the wrong reason. Marriage will always be sacred to me and I wouldn’t do it for any other reason other than love. I wish things are that easy, that I’m like some people here in the US who gets married right after they graduate college. And while they’re building their career or even going to graduate school, they have someone to come home to and stay warm with when the night gets cold. Most people prefer to stay single until they have established a stable career or even beyond that, and I used to be that kind of person. But I’ve changed and I realized I want to get married young. It has something to with the kind of person I am and I’ve already grown tired sick of just ME all the time. It’s like I’ve had enough of quiet solitary moments. The idea of starting your life from zero with someone appeals to me. I want to be with the man I love as long as I can, even if we still have nothing much except for our future that we still have to build up. Being really young and married is possible without complications here in the US but when you’re in the Philippines, it’s really hard. Money is a lot harder to come by in the Philippines and once you have it, you still can’t have much of the things you need because the ratio of salary to the price of things in the market is just so out of proportion that buying things seem really painful to the pocket. Well unless you’re a big famous celebrity or a billionaire businessman or a corrupt politician, spending in the Philippines ain’t so hard.

Anyway, I’m really rambling now. How is it that I’ve started to talked about graduation then big changes in life and ended up mixing marriage with Philippine’s economy? Ugh..I’m complicated. I salute you if you’re still reading this. Thank you. 🙂