My Karsh and my Gwyn

-I’ll take you, said Karsh.  I couldn’t feel my legs but even the slight breeze of the shift to vertical seemed to stir a memory in my mind of how it all used to be.  I remembered my mother’s once cryptic advice to never make decisions when horizontal, even alone, and it seemed to make sense now, because your mind was much closer to extreme states in this position – depression, dreaming, insanity.  Karsh reach over and helped me up.  His face was a map I wanted to follow.

-Are you sure?  I said.  -No, never mind.  It’s all right.  Besides, you’re kind of out of it, aren’t you?

-I have a feeling you’d be more dangerous standing still than me driving at this point, he laughed.  -Look, let me at least walk you back.  The air will do you good. 

He turned to Gwyn.  -Close your eyes.  I’ll be back, he said gently, dimming the light.

-You promise? she said, sounding panicky for some reason.  -You’re not going to disappear on me, are you?

-I’m not going to disappear on you, he said.  -I promise.

      ~Born Confused, by Tanuja Desai Hidier

It was a night many moons ago.  One that stays with me.  One I think of often when I’m feeling alone and I realize I will never feel that alone again because now I know better.

The night was cold and though I didn’t want to go, I was convinced.  Maybe I made her look better.  Maybe she didn’t want to do it alone.  Her reasons were selfish, I know that now.  She didn’t want me there for my own company.  Why was I so blind back then?

I remember sitting alone for hours at a time, wondering how they could leave me this way.  But the thing was, even when they appeared again and we walked together, I still felt alone even as part of the crowd.  No one asked to stay behind with me.  No one cared that I was miserable.  Was I that good at hiding my true feelings, or were they just good at selfishly ignoring it?  I felt like I was suffocating, as I held in my tears.  I couldn’t let them see me cry.  Then he would know.  Then he would understand what was in my heart and I wasn’t ready for him to find out.  Plus, how could he ever see me in that way when she was around?

The darkness of the night worked to my advantage.  No one could see the true feelings that I know my eyes revealed.  But what hurt the most was that those that claimed to be my best friends couldn’t see through the false facade I put up. 

I placed my head on Trish’s shoulder and I begged her to find some sort of fault in him.  Something that would make me hate him.  Something that would make me get over him.  I whispered those things to her, but she found nothing to say to console me.  And then I felt a hand on my head.  A touch that sent shivers down my spine, a gentle pat.  I looked up to see his eyes and for a moment, I knew he knew.  He asked if I was ok and I again forgot that I didn’t want to love him.  But in that moment, I had hope.  Maybe there was a chance.  Maybe I would be ok.

Then I was alone again and I watched them all from afar and I saw her talking to him and I saw him smile at her.  I couldn’t stop the tears then.  They flowed as I stood alone.  The hurt ran deep and I was amazed that not another person there, not a single person who claimed to be my friend would understand my feelings.  I stood alone and I cried, a release I was looking for from the start of the night.  After many tears had fallen,  I saw them walking towards me together and I knew it was time to stop my tears.  Just like that, I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand and I pasted a fake smile on my face.  They came to me, neither one noticing that anything was wrong.  Neither knowing how deeply they had hurt me that night.  Neither knowing how their actions would affect me even many years later.