I’m Nobody! Who are you?

I’m Nobody! Who are you?
Are you – Nobody – too?
Then there’s a pair of us?
Don’t tell! they’d advertise – you know!

How dreary – to be – Somebody!
How public – like a Frog – 
To tell one’s name – the livelong June – 
To an admiring Bog!
~Emily Dickenson

I know what it is.  I miss my diary the most when I come across a situation that I feel like I can’t talk to anybody about even Ang.  Lately it’s been us talking about a college reunion.  Months ago a bunch of us that went to high school together found each other on facebook and we had ourselves a little reunion.  It was nice because all the crap from high school was gone.  We were all doing well and it was good to see everyone including people that I didn’t necessarily remember liking in high school.  Well lately a bunch of people from college have been joining and “friending’ me.  Ang thinks we should suggest a mini college reunion.  I find it funny because they weren’t even really her friends.  She spent so much of college looking down her nose at us because we partied and had fun while she studied her ass off.  Yet she’s letting it all out and partying now.  But that’s another whole entry for another day.  I told her that I had started an email with everyone’s names and even started writing it but in the end decided not to send it.  It’s weird for me in a way that I can’t even explain it to her.  These people were more than friends.  They were family.  We spent all our time together.  We did everything together.  And then I left and it all just stopped.  Maybe I’m partially to blame as well.  Back then we didn’t have cell phones and I couldn’t just call and talk to them all the time.  I tried the whole email thing.  I remember every Sunday I would write a mass email to everyone to let them know what was up in my life.  My life sucked back then.  I was so unhappy to be away from everyone yet I knew I needed to make changes to my life to make things work.  Sometimes I feel like my life is one self fulfilling prophecy after another, but that is yet another entry for another time.  Anyway, I ended up losing touch with them all.  And later after I moved out here, it wasn’t as easy to get back in touch.  I tried and even hung out with them a few times when things felt completely normal but it never went past that.  I tried to have them over but they never accept.  And you can only try so many times before it starts feeling like rejection.  Not only that, but Bry even stopped inviting me to his parties.  The signal was loud and clear.  As much as they may have loved me back in college, I’m not a part of their lives now.  And it’s hard because I see what they have to say to each other and I feel left out.  It makes me so sad.  These people met because of me.  I’m the common thread yet after I left, they all continued to be friends and in each others lives.  Marcia is having a baby and had a baby shower that they were all invited to and they hang out with Bry and his wife.  HL is the godfather to one of Bry’s daughters.  And I’m angry.  Angry that I missed out on it all.  And having a reunion and all of a sudden hanging out for one night won’t change that.  You know how some people in high school feel like they don’t fit in?  Like they are on the outside looking in?  I don’t think I quite felt that way back then.  I do now.  Ang has moved here and within 2 months has all sorts of new friends she’s made and hangs out with…dumps me to hang out with even.  I’ve been here 5 and a half years and I still don’t feel like I’ve met people that I really connect with and want to hang out with…not just to hang out, but because I really like them.  It’s the oddest feeling because I used to be such an extravert.  I always wanted to be out and with people.  Now I find myself pulling in…I’m fine with staying home and watching a movie or playing my Wii by myself.  I don’t need to always be around people.  But I miss the people that were in my life.  It’s much more than that.  I found Nee on facebook as well and she’s had a baby and she’s got pictures of her baby and Mun holding her.  They were so much a part of my childhood and I know that was so long ago and things hav

e changed so much.  But it makes me sad that I’m not a part of her life. That most likely her daughter will never call me Mashi like she does with Mun.  It’s sad.  I don’t know why it overwhelms me like that.  I mean I’ve moved on with my life as well.  They aren’t a part of my life now.  I think what it all comes down to is that I care.  I care that they aren’t a part of my life…but I don’t think they even really remember who I am.