August 26, 2007

His perfect size 2 wife…

Everything’s so blurry
And everyone’s so fake
And everybody’s empty
And everything is
So messed up
Pre-occupied without you
I cannot live at all
My whole world
Surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl
You could be my someone
You could be my scene
You know that
I’ll protect you
From all of the obscene
I wonder what you’re doing
Imagine where you are
There’s oceans in between us
But that’s not very far

Can you take it all away?
Can you take it all away?
When you shoved it
In my face
This pain you gave to me
Can you take it all away?
Can you take it all away?
When you shoved it
In my face

Everyone is changing
There’s no-one left
That’s real
To make up
Your own ending
And let me know
Just how you feel
‘Cause I am lost
Without you
I cannot live at all
My whole world
Surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl

You could be my someone
You could be my scene
You know that
I will save you
From all of the unclean
I wonder what you’re doing
I wonder where you are
There’s oceans in between us
But that’s not very far

Can you take it all away?
Can you take it all away?
When you shoved it
In my face
This pain you gave to me
Can you take it all away?
Can you take it all away?
When you shoved it
In my face
This pain you gave to me

Oh
Nobody told me
What you thought
Nobody told me
What to say
Everyone showed you
Where to turn
Told you
Where to runaway
Nobody told you
Where to hide
Nobody told you
What to say
Everyone showed you
Where to turn
Showed you
Where to runaway

This pain you gave to me

You take it all
Take it all away
This pain you gave to me
You take it all away
This pain you gave to me
Take it all away
This pain you gave
This pain you gave
~Puddle of Mudd

I started this diary years ago because of B. Because when things ended the way they did, I didn’t know where else to go with ALL my feelings. I had my two best friends, but seriously, how much can they listen without judging. So I created this diary to pour out my broken heart.

Then years went by. I didn’t want to think of him. But I found myself thinking about him, especially whenever I heard Blurry on the radio. I wondered if he ever thought about me. I convinced my self that he did. There was a time before I had call waiting when I had a land line that the phone would ring and I wouldn’t pick it up and no one would leave a message and I would wonder if maybe it was him. Somehow he had gotten my number. Maybe he missed me.

I remember a conversation with my mom after it all ended. Her telling me that he would never find anyone as great as me. His loss. Made me love my mom even more.

And then something compelled me to look for him on facebook. I found him. He looked about the same. I couldn’t see his main page. Then I forgot about it. Then last night as I was trying to go to sleep, something about it kept bothering me. His picture looked like it was just half a picture. Like he was standing next to someone else, but cut that part out so it was just him in his profile pic. Then it occurred to me. He could be married! But who the hell would marry him? I forced myself to stay in bed and sleep instead of getting up and coming to my computer. In the morning, as soon as I woke up, I was at my computer. I created a fake account with the network being the same city he had listed and then I found his profile. There it was. Married.

I couldn’t figure out why I was so upset. I still firmly believe that it’s my ego that is hurt. But then I remember other things. Like telling Cliff that if we got married and ever had a daughter, I would name her Maya because it sounded good with his last name. I remember long conversations about whether I would be willing to move. I remember all the nights when I was leaving school and it was dark and it was late and he would call me or I would call him and I would have someoen to talk to about my day. I remember him telling me about this girl that his parents had tried to hook him up with and how he was totally turned off by her because she was so superficial and all about looks. She was "that type" on Indian girl. Well, I’ve seen pictures of his wife. Looks like she’s that type too. I remember walking by the Riverwalk and seeing a couple who were dressed a like and him telling me that next time we should dress alike and us laughing. I remember sitting by the river and talking but mostly I remember asking god, who I believed in back in those days, for a very specific sign. And then I got the sign and I was elated. God, how could I have been so naive? So full of hope and believing in things like fate and destiny and happily ever afters like they have in the movies.

Everything really is blurry when I think about it now. How it ended. Why it ended. How stupid I acted and the stupid things I did. I even found an old entry on here where I state that I hope to run into him in the future some time with my perfect husband and adorable kids and he’ll look at me and realize that he’s lost something great. I don’t think that’ll happen. His wife is pretty. She and I seem to have a lot in commong. We like a lot of the same books and movies and music and we have a lot of the same interests. So, he went and found a younger, prettier version of me. They started dating in 2003. Not even a year after us. I guess I was forgotten rather quickly. I don’t know how long they’ve been married. I even saw their wedding pictures.

It’s like a car wreck, you know? You know you shouldn’t look because it’s only going to upset you, but you can’t help but to look? Yeah. That was me today. I didn’t want to keep going. I know I had turned into a stalker and the worst kind at that. But I kept searching and I kept looking and with each new picture, it was like an stab at my heart. But that confuses me because I don’t think I loved him. I think I thought it could lead to that. But it ended before I could be sure. So why was it upsetting me so much?

Because he didn’t want to be with me anymore and then had the nerve to go find someone else? See…it’s my ego that’s hurt. Not my heart. I keep telling myself that. But it still hurts. I keep thinking about it all day and I don’t want to any more. I want all those thoughts to be gone. I want all those memories to be gone. I want someone to take it all away.

I think it’s just that on top of other things. Raj got married this year too. And Ang says J told her that he’s going to get engaged, but he just needs to figure out a way to move to the state his girlfriend is in. That one bothered me too but I didn’t tell her.

I did tell her about B. I was so upset this morning that I knew if I didn’t get it out, I would regret it. So I emailed her a long whiny email. Thank god she understood and didn’t look down on me or judge me for it. She even called as soon as she got out of work to make sure I was fine. It’s good to have friends like that.

Oh and his wife? Looks so familiar. Then I realized that she grew up not to far away and I wouldn’t be surprised if she were here at some of the Pujas. I have a feeling I’ve met her before. Then the horrific thought hit me. What if they come to visit her parents during a Puja and I see them? What would I do? LOL. I have flashbacks of sophomore year and running into Calvin and Judy at the bonfire…at first accidentally and then on purpose because in some weird sadistic way, I enjoyed the pain. I don’t know if I would do that now. God, I hope I never have to see them. EVER!

Anyway…I wanted to get it out of my mind. Write it down and then move on. Hopefully that’s what I’ll be able to do.