A dream is a wish your heart makes…

but if that’s true than I don’t know what’s wrong with my heart.

Last night I had a dream that felt so real, that was so vivid that it left me with a heavy heart through all of today.

I’m at some sort of an out doors picnic.  It looks like the covered picnic tables from the Lake in the city where I grew up.  There’s a ton of people there that I know but none of them are people I know in real life.  I’m at one of the picnic tables eating and I’m sitting next to this guy.  I’m apparently head over heels in love with this guy.  I’m all nervous next to him and my palm is sweating and I can’t seem to talk like a normal person.  I have the feeling that we are really good friends, but that’s it.  We’re friends and he doesn’t think of me as anything more but I am totally in love with him. On my other side is my old college roommate who I haven’t seen since 1998 in real life.  In the dream though, we’re friends again and things are cool between us even though in real life we stopped being friends some time my Junior year.  After we finish eating, I go to look for the guy because I’m ready to tell him about my feelings for him and I’m hoping he will feel the same way.  I’m all giddy and nervous and excited.  Then I find him.  He’s with my roommate and they are making secret plans to meet up afterwards and it is very obvious from their converation that they are together.  She says she doesn’t want me to know because she knows I will never approve of her.  He tells her he doesn’t care what I want and that he wants to be with her.  I start crying and walking away and they see me.  I start running through the parking lot because I am convinced that no matter what, he’s my friend and he’ll come after me and explain things and tell me I misunderstood.  But it doesn’t happen.  I run thinking he’s behind me, but when I turn around, there is no one there and I am left crying and feeling very alone.

All day long I’ve had this heavy feeling in my heart and everytime I try to figure out why I feel so sad, the dream comes back to me.  I don’t know why it effected me so much.  A lot of this stuff is stuff I thought I was totally over.  It’s funny how one little incident that probably wasn’t a big deal to anyone else seems to define my whole life for me at times and things that happened over 10 years ago still can make me so sad and make me feel worthless.