slow burn.

under 450 entries left public, now. 2006 is gone, more than half of 2007 is dusted. every time i come on od, i take out another month’s worth of material. i haven’t really decided what i’m going to do when i get to the end of this; start a new diary, keep this one and upgrade it and take it seriously, leave od forever?

that’s the thing; i don’t ever want to stop writing. i’ll be a writer from now until i’m dead, in some form or fashion. maybe i don’t live much longer, thanks to my incredibly awesome health at the moment, but…whatever. new day, new ailment, same lack of cash to go get checked out thanks to the move next month. shit, i don’t even know where i’m moving next month; there are/were, at any one time, six guys and two girls all saying they wanted to live with me in some way/shape/form. makes it slightly difficult to go up to my realtor and say, "yeah, i need a house for somewhere between two and eight. oh, they’re from 4 different states, by the way, so once they sign in to this, they’re sort of stuck." yeah, jason was not going to be renting me a damn thing with information like that. i have 44 days to get my housing life balanced and in order enough to leave here. technically, more like 30.

me and peyton are also considering uprooting from here and working in indiana now that the mac/brandon to nashville plan has officially been 86’d. (because mac realized after going to town to try and find work that, well, there isn’t very much available to bartenders in the city) the horseshoe casino in elizabeth is having the final dealer school of the year in october, and even though it’s a 2.25 hour drive both ways, 4 days a week for 4 weeks, we’d be willing to do it if only because when we get hired on, we can request working three days on, four days off to start (you start part time and work your way to full) and stay at a friend of ours in new albany when we work up there. i can’t afford to leave bowling green yet, not because i don’t have the money, but because the money i’m making at the home games and writing around here is just too good to pass up. but, working 20 hours a week at the boat will immediately allow me to get insurance. and with random shit going wrong with me daily, it was finally time to buck up and find a job where i can get it, so i can get the mri’s/scans i need and can’t come close to affording without insurance (estimated cost to do the battery of tests they want to do concerning my brain stuff? $3,500-$4,500 without insurance, $350-$450 with horseshoe’s 10% copay) i think the two things that worry me most at the moment are my vision deteriorating rapidly, and my hand tremors getting significantly worse by the day. i have random stuff go good or bad every week now though, so it’s one of those "just live through it" type of shits that sucks but whatever.

one of the guys at the bar the other night was talking to me about life, and we exchanged stories about everything; my medical shit, financial shit, sarah, the gang, gaining/losing friends, family, and when we were done, he gave me this pathetic looking cock-eyed stare and said, "man, how the fuck do you convince yourself to get out of bed every day?"

i shrugged and said, "i don’t, anymore. i’m on autopilot more or less."

sad days.