Stained-Glass Window

Recent happenings have been… Hard.

I wrote LoGan a note saying how much I missed him. I must’ve written the note four different times to get it to say what I wanted it to say, and yet, it still wasn’t satisfactory. I wrote it in hopes of him missing me. It was a long shot but I’m a guy that takes risks. He was supposed to work that night but was asked to not come in. So then I sent him a text stating that I had something I needed to give to him.

I gave him the note. He read it, read it again, left the building and sat in his car… and read it again. Best case scenario, in my mind at least: LoGan comes back in, grabs me by the shoulder and hugs me and says "I miss you too." worst case scenario: he says nothing. He didn’t say anything, and all I really wanted was some sort of response. Good or bad, it didn’t matter to me. I knew that longing for him to come back was too much to ask for. I felt incredibly sad the rest of the day.

I said to him in the note that the reason I told him was because, as a friend, it was eating away at me inside and I needed to tell someone. I was expecting him to be a friend back and give me some feedback. When he didn’t give it to me I initiated it. That entire week we had weird conversations, weird meanig abbot topics that we didn’t normally talk about, like mantras and not making enough money. I decided to stop the shit and just ask him if he was doing alright.

He said he was having a hard week with work and school. I told him I was asking because I hadn’t heard much from my best friend that week. I hen asked him if he had read he note I wrote him. He said he had and that he didn’t know what to say. The following is the remains of our text messages:

"I’m gonna be honest with you. I can’t stop liking you. I dream of holding you almost every night. I’m depressed because of the blow you gave me and because of how sad I made you seem [the day that we broke up]. It’s killing me inside really, really slowly. I know what you want to say. You don’t want to talk to me. You call yourself my friend only because you think that I want that. I feel like if it was up to you, you wouldn’t want to do anything with me. And that also hurts. I miss you. I wish I could change it for the sake of our friendship. I miss what we had. All your doubts didn’t matter to me, call me selfish. I only left you because I thought it would make you happy. Did it?"

"Happy? Not so sure about that. And you’re wrong. I still want you as my friend. I still wanna talk to you and hang out with you. And I’m sorry that I have hurt you like this. It wasn’t what I wanted to happen. But that’s all I can give back to you, an apology. I can’t change what I can’t control, and I can’t control what I do and do not feel…. I know I’m the monster here. And I’m surprised you don’t hate me more for it."

"Because I don’t see you as the monster. And with that said… what do you feel?"

"I don’t regret our relationship. What we had and where we are. I was happy to be your boyfriend while it lasted, but my feelings for you returned to friendship. There is nothing wrong with you cause I know you will blame yourself. I’m just not it. Sometimes it just doesn’t work out."

"I just wish I knew what happened and why it happened to you and not to me. That, too also, is killing me. I feel different. I’m different than everyone else. I got hurt. What you did and what I did contributed to my hurt. It wasn’t just you, and I’d be stupid to just blame you. A relationship is with two people and delegating blame to just you is unfair. I agreed to this relationship too, not knowing what was going to happen. I loved getting to know you, sitting in your car, holding you [in one of your most vulnerable moments], laughing with you, really enjoying every moment with you. You. Not a boyfriend figure. My time with LoGan [middle and last name], an incredibly adorable man, has been the time of my life, even the bad times. What upsets me is that 1) I wish I still could have those moments and 2) I never really felt like I brought you the same joy as you did to me…. It wasn’t just you. No matter what you or anyone else says. [The bad times or you telling me I should remember you as a monster,] It’s not what I"ll remember for the rest of my life. I just now have to… adjust to being your friend. I still feel like I’m your boyfriend."

"I’ve noticed…"

"I’m sorry! I wish I knew how to turn it off! Because it makes you feel awkward and makes me have false hope. I kind of wanted you to miss me too. Stupid, huh?"

"I do miss you, just not as much as you miss me… I don’t think you understand."

"So explain. Help me understand."

"Sure I miss the hugs and the affection so much I could explode but I also miss the actual idea too. The being cared for."

"LoGan. I still care for you. I tried to let you know that tonight. I won’t ever leave. In fact, that’s what happens when you take me down a notch. [You basically trusted me enough to tell me the truth (kind of – explanation later) and that makes me respect you more, hence why I still care for you.] You were honest with me. And I’d rather have than than a relationship of lies."

"Do you know who you’re talking to? Don’t hesitate to talk to me, please. I’m trying to make sure I didn’t break you like your douchebag ex-boyfriends plus Brandon."

And that was the end of the night for the both of us. He told me he was sorry for hurting me, sorry for everything, and I said I was sorry. "Don’t be sorry," is what he said to me. I asked him if we could both be sorry, and he said that would be fine if it made me feel better.

At that time I knew that I was going to be okay with LoGan. That last sentence made me realize two things. The first is knowing that it’s going to take a long time for me to stop having romantic feelings toward LoGan. The second is that he didn’t tell me the full truth during our relationship.

That night I had a dream where I replayed the conversation we had over lunch, the one when LoGan said he wasn’t sexually attracted to me anymore. We were talking about reasons for leaving each other and I told him I had none to leave him, but I always had the feeling he’d leave me for another guy. His answer was always the same: I’ll never leave you for another guy. Whenever he said that he always said it with a certain tone in his voice. I was so head over heels for him at the time it happened that when it replayed in my dream, I listened to the inflection, not the words. What LoGan meant was: I’ll never leave you for another guy. I’ve been in that situation and it’s the worst feeling and I’d never want to cause that on another human…. but that’s only one reason. T

here are a million other reasons I can think of to leave you, but there’s only one on my mind. I’ll never leave you for another guy, but if I knew it wouldn’t hurt you, I would.

He’d leave me for Justin.

I woke up the next morning feeling energized, with a fresh outlook on the whole situation. LoGan and I got to work and everything seemed to be normal. We talked about how attractive the guy was at table 48 and how the young gay Mexican kept looking at LoGan every time he checked on him and his table. I told LoGan he should wink at the young gay. He refused. Things were good. It was like before, as if life was supposed to be this way, and this was a confirmation that breaking up with LoGan was the right thing to do. So I tested it further.

LoGan and I have our favorite server at Denny’s. Her name is Suzette and I asked LoGan if he wanted to visit her tonight together. He agreed. So after work we get in his car and get to Denny’s. Suzette, unfortunately, was not there, but we ate anyway. It felt like a Denny’s night. Damn… I was right.

Denny’s seems to be the place to go for breakdowns or celebrations, incredibly good news or horrendously bad news. Guess what tonight was?

As we were eating our dinner, LoGan was texting Justin. He didn’t want to let me know it was Justin, but I didn’t have to have him tell me. I could feel it. I could also see it. LoGan’s body language changes when Justin is around, so to speak. As soon as that name shows up on his phone (and quite possibly his computer screen via Facebook) LoGan’s body becomes just a bit more tense. He holds his phone closer and tighter. When he texts his sister his fingers kind of lay across the back. With Justin, his knuckles become a bit white from the pressure he has on his phone. If it’s anybody else, he’ll hold his arms at around a ninety degree angle; with Justin, it’s always at a forty-five degree angle. He had the butterfly effect. Activate the Justin stimulus and the reaction is butterflies in the stomach and that feeling of fleeting, giddy nervousness all over the body. LoGan liked Justin.

When I asked LoGan what Justin had to say, he told me that Justin was persistent in having LoGan come over. I decided that this was the time to tell LoGan about my dream, but not.

"Go to him." I told LoGan to ignore his morals for just one night and go with Justin to see what happened. I reasoned with him by stating that they’ve been texting each other one week after we started dating and that LoGan has been interested the entire time. I didn’t have to point out the flirtatious texts. LoGan knew what I meant.

LoGan fought back by saying that he didn’t want to do anything with a person in a relationship. LoGan said that he himself is a relationship person, that he’ll only be with one guy, never a threesome, and doesn’t want to be seen around school as the slut of the university. I told him that he wouldn’t be seen as the slut because only three people would know about what would happen, and that he should give in for this one night.

LoGan’s face started turning red. He rubbed his face all over with his hands to clear his head, but I knew what this meant. He did the same thing after everyone asked him to make a move on me. He wanted to do it, he wanted to do it badly. So bad that he contemplated all possible solutions and always came back to the negative one.

He gave in. He took me home when he said that he was going to go over with Justin, but he felt uneasy about it. He was quiet on the ride home. He didn’t want to do it. It was against his morals. But he was giving in to the darkness within him. He’d say something like that. He said he was afraid of becoming all that he never wanted to be. From one night? I told him I, too, am a relationship person, as he’s experienced, but I’ve had one night stands. I don’t know if that comforted him or made him uneasy.

We got to my lot. "Seeing as how this is a night of pure honesty, I’ve got to say something." LoGan turned to look at me, his eyes watering like crazy. His face was pale and his lips were almost quivering. The guy was incredibly nervous, but I didn’t care. I needed to say this, but it didn’t all come out like this:"I’m not a sharing person when it comes to relationships. If I could share, I would have let you explore things with Justin and had you come back to me, but I couldn’t do that. The way you speak about him and the way you text him, it’s the exact same way you acted when we first got in our relationship. The look you get when you see his name in your phone, it’s almost pure happiness. LoGan… the main reason I broke up with you is because you told me I was sexually unattractive to you and you don’t know how that happen. I know. It’s because you shifted all your feelings for me to Justin, because he was the mysterious one you seemed to have charmed and seduced. When I wouldn’t give you compliments on your hair or your underwear, he’d be there telling you how cute you looked today. When I wouldn’t go to the bar or when I was too busy working to do so, he was there telling you he wanted to go with you. When I wasn’t there to hold you, he told you how much he wanted you. I broke up with you because you started to like another guy, and you wouldn’t break up with me for him. You tried justifying everything by saying ‘Oh, Justin does pot. I couldn’t date him,’ or ‘If he’s acting like this now, what would stop him from doing that to me?’ I left you so you could explore with Justin, to see if he could give you what you wanted, what I apparently couldn’t provide. That said…." I open the door to leave the car. I step out and look at LoGan square in the eyes."If you get to his house and you feel you can’t do it, you know where I live. If he opens the door and you feel uncomfortable, my door is unlocked for you. If you’re in his arms, doing God knows what, and you need to escape, I’m awake."

And I left. I don’t want to know what LoGan went through at that moment because I knew that what I said was too much, but it was honest.

As I walked up the stairs to my apartment, a small tear ran down my face. My mind raced.

I sure hope to God that this Justin guy knows who he has coming over tonight.
LoGan is invaluable to me.
Justin better treat him right.
Justin can’t be like all the other gays in this damn town.
If he hurts LoGan I’ll punch his lights out.
LoGan… please be safe about all this.
I still care for you, even if you don’t want me to.
God-DAMN, this had better go right.
I hope LoGan doesn’t think I convinced him to go to Justin because of malice….
Because I didn’t. I don’t even know what to expect from Justin.
And even if I never said anything and LoGan acted upon his own accord…
The outcome will be the same, right?
How long has

it been?
It’s easy to stay awake.
I can’t watch Grey’s Anatomy now. I’m not paying attention!
Useless internet. That’s what I’ll do.
LoGan… I hope you got there safe.
Justin better not try anything funny.
What if Justin has AIDS and he has unprotected sex with LoGan?
I could never forgive him.
Wait.
LoGan isn’t my boyfriend anymore.
Dammit, Chu, stop this.
You can’t care for him like this anymore.
But why the hell not?!
He’s my best friend!
We’ve gone through a lot!
And we’ve learned a lot too.
All this is… this is all about knowledge.
Here’s some knowledge:
Justin is in a relationship.
Justin wants LoGan to come over for cuddles.
Justin has ulterior motives, like making out… or sex.
Justin doesn’t know what LoGan likes and doesn’t like.
I do.
Justin better watch out for LoGan’s "spot". It’s very sensitive.
OH man. Justin better not go NEAR that damn spot.
Fuck you, Justin.
But what if he does go near the "spot" and he tortures LoGan with it?
This is not okay.
What if LoGan is in trouble?
They’ve never met.
We don’t know what this guy is really like!
What if he could be a murderer?
Oh for fuck’s sakes!!
Don’t be stupid, Chuy.
But it’s not stupid… it’s legitimate.
LoGan told me his address… maybe I should just put on a jacket and walk there.
Just to see if LoGan actually made it.
The cops might see me though, and I’d technically be stalking.
I can’t do that.
I need to trust LoGan and Justin.
But how can I trust the guy that tore my ex-boyfriend away from me?!
Fuck him. I hate him.
Fuck you, Justin!
I hope LoGan does something to him.
Something malicious.
He has it in him. He has… potential….
I hope LoGan doesn’t do anything with him at all.
But LoGan… he wants to.
He’s wanted to for a really long time.
Are they… kissing?
Are they… touching each other?
I held a timeshare in those regions, Justin!
I kept them clean and in working order, but not for you!
I swear, by the hammer of Thor, that if you do something to hurt LoGan….
But what can I do?
I can’t do anything…
LoGan probably wouldn’t tell me what happened.
He’d say something like "It went well. We just hung out. That’s all."
LoGan never really was good at telling me details, especially when I live for details.
I always needed details from LoGan… but that’s one thing I never said to him.
I thought I could ignore the fact that he wouldn’t tell me every little thing.
This is why it was so hard to trust him before though.
Whatever.
Everyone is entitled to their own privacy.
Mine privacy is just very… public.
Speaking of public, this Justin guy better not humiliate LoGan.
Why… why…
Why……..
Why do I care so much?
Damn.
Damn it all to hell.
Fucking damn it all to fucking hell… fucking.
I love him.
I love him, I love him, I love him. Blah, blah, blah.
I hate this. Why did life have to choose HIM for me to love? 
I love him like a brother, that is, if I had a real brother.
He was my fraternity Brother in the beginning….
And that bond just grew.
This was meant to happen.
This… everything.
Ugh. Fuck.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
Fuckety.
LoGan and I… we’re like brothers.
Or so I hope after this night.
I’ll always see him like a brother, no matter what.
I’ll always love him like a brother, no matter what.
LoGan.
I love you, guy. I hope you’re safe.
How long has it been?

It was an hour and a half later. I decided to text LoGan asking him how it went. I wanted to be supportive, not destructive. My first instinct was that Justin and LoGan were fucking and this is why I didn’t get a direct response. The next was that LoGan never went and he was just sleeping. So I tried to go to sleep and decided to talk to him the next day.

I couldn’t sleep. I laid in my bed looking up at the ceiling. I got a response half an hour later. "He is kicking me out."

Motherfucker.
Motherfucker! Kicking him out?! What the hell was wrong with LoGan that Justin had to kick him out of his home!? I was pissed off.

I asked LoGan to come over and tell me what happened. It took him a minute to get here, and I determined this was probably because he was getting his clothes on. When LoGan got here, his eyes were a bit red. Either he had been crying or he really did have sex with Justin.

LoGan got to Justin’s house where they sat and talked for a bit, then they cuddled. Then they started to kiss, and LoGan said there was touching. He also said that there wasn’t any sex, but I could smell it. It also could have been just the smell of intimacy. At this moment I didn’t care if LoGan had sex with Justin. I was more concerned about Justin using LoGan as a physical playtoy for a couple of hours. In retrospect, LoGan could have done exactly what Justin is doing now while we were together. Justin’s so called-boyfriend can’t satisfy him and so he turned to LoGan. I couldn’t satisfy LoGan, and he turned to Justin….

I empathized. This is exactly what Kaden used to do to me in high school. All I could say to LoGan was that I’m sorry things didn’t work out. He kept telling me that it wasn’t my fault, that I didn’t do anything. I asked him to not hate me for convincing him to go to Justin’s place. "You didn’t make me do anything." 

I still felt terrible. "Are you at least… satisfied?" I was afraid for this answer. If LoGan was satisfied, that means that my 5’5 stature, uncircumcised dick, brown, and overweight body wasn’t good enough and Justin’s physicality was. If LoGan wasn’t satisfied, then I know that Justin really fucked up. His answer: "I wouldn’t say that." That helped me not at all.

I was upset to know that Justin did not live up to my expectations, and probably not LoGan’s either. To think a guy could be one way, then act another way… how can anyone do that? What would piss me off even more heretofore would be if Justin tried to get LoGan to come back to him. What would fucking make me ballistic is if LoGan went back.

There are three things in this world that can heal wounds. Two are only temporary while one takes forever. The one that takes forever is time. Eventually time was going to help turn this into a scar, but right now, this hurt was bleeding profusely. One of the two temporary cures is a hug. As LoGan was leaving, I wanted to give him a hug, but

he kept running from me. So I just told him I’d see him the next day.

A hug would have made him feel a bit better. I know this for sure. I’m afraid that if I gave him the hug, though, that he’d take it the wrong way and put more feeling into it. If we didn’t hug and if we didn’t have time, I only had one other option.

The second temporary cure is a band-aid. Yes, I know they help protect against tangible, open wounds. If you’ve never placed a band-aid over your heart or your mind when feeling emotional pains, you don’t know what I’m talking about. Don’t underestimate the power of a band-aid. I grabbed a band-aid and went to work. There, I drew a little star on the band-aid to remind LoGan about the shimmer of light that can be found lingering over all sort of dark emotions. I feared that by giving him the band-aid he’d think I’d want him to think of me as his glimmer of light in the darkness or some cheesy shit like that.

I want LoGan to see me as the friend he can always rely on to talk, to vent, to kick, to yell at, or to lean on. Because that’s what he is to me.

I went up to him and said, "I’m not trying to be cutesy or anything, and I know you said you’re okay, but here’s something for the pain you’re feeling. Don’t underestimate the power of a band-aid." And I walked off. Next thing I know, LoGan convinced the manager to let him go, as he had a trip planned to visit his sister for fall break.

And that’s the last thing I’ve said to him besides "Good-bye, be safe, say hello to your sister for me." He was getting away from here because he needed to get away. I haven’t tried to contact him in the past couple of days. I don’t want to. I want him to have his time alone away from all of this. Trust me. If I could escape all of this I definitely would, but it’s hard for me to do such a thing.

Let’s be honest. I want fourteen million bowls of weed right now. That would be a great escape for me. To not be able to think about this, to not think about LoGan or Justin or if he’s safe or if he’s thinking he’s a slut or me having to convince him that he’s not a slut, because he’s not. He’s a stained-glass window.

People are like stained glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within. – Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

LoGan has light within him. I hope he finds it. I don’t need another Jonathan running around. I don’t think I’d be able to take it if LoGan ever deliberately puts me down with intention to hurt. That, my friend, would be very tough.

Ugh. The thoughts just keep on coming….

 

I need… a break.