Lydia Deetz

I am alone. I am utterly alone.
By the time you read this I will be gone. Having jumped Having plummeted off the Winter River Bridge.

I’m in an incredibly melodramatic mood right now. I can’t describe what is making me feel this way. Even writing now feels very… unmotivated.

I can’t remember the last time I felt like I had friends. I can’t remember the last time I felt like I had a family, or the last time I had a home. I thought this Thanksgiving break would allow me to relax and rethink all that is going on, but in reality, nothing is going on. I don’t know what to do with myself.

I sit in my bed. I sit on the couch. I stand and brush my teeth and stand to pee. I walk out the door and I walk to work. I walk during work, and I walk after work. I sit on my couch, then I sit in my bed. My existence has been reduced to routine. I heavily dislike routine. I had a dance party in my underwear yesterday to try and knock these evil spirits from my mind. It didn’t work.

I can’t seem to put myself over others. I usually don’t, but I feel like it’s time to think of me, about me, for me, only me. Instead I worry that Amber and Jared won’t make it, or that Sarah feels like she’s intruding, or that Trish is making a mistake, or that Alicia will get caught, or that Codi will break down again, or that Garrett’s wife will relapse, or that Skylar will never be over it, or that Alex never knows what he’s doing, or that Andrew and Jordan will separate, or that my mom won’t have enough money, or that LoGan will do something stupid.

I can’t stop worrying about everyone else. I want to know why. Why am I always in the background? I hate being the center of attention, but for once, I want to be giving myself all the attention. I’m tired of looking at myself and thinking that I’m here for everyone else. I’m here to listen, you guys. I’m here to give input. I’m here for you to vent, and I’m here for you to cry on.

Where’s my me? I need a me that will give me positive feelings. "I can’t get a guy." Don’t worry, someone will come that will be worth all the trouble in the world. "I still see myself as a fat ass." But you’ve lost twenty pounds since you started! That’s quite the accomplishment! "I want to fuck someone. Or be fucked. Whatever." Then… well, I can’t help you there.

I haven’t had sex since Kenneth. I’ve trolled around the internet here and there, but I’m too afraid to actually do something about it. And when I feel like I can suck it up, grow some balls, and get a random hook up, I back out. Because it’s something I can’t deal with. If it was a random hook up with a friend, that would be a completely different situation.

Let’s face it though. Who wants to get with me? I’m pathetic and useless. I can’t delete this negativity, especially when there’s no positive to magnify. Why try and come across as narcissistic when all it will do is give people the wrong impressions? Why try and make myself be priceless when I feel like a complete waste of a person? All I have could be put to better use. My books, my televisions, my kitchen table. Hell, maybe someone will actually have good sex (meaning nobody’s heads will be hurt) in my bed for the first time.

This pathetic, unwanted, self-absorbed, worthless, obese, hopeless, bitchy loser, this guy right here, is over it. I’m trying to hard not to give in. I don’t give up. I work around things. For example, today I tried to help a very close friend of mine, but he wouldn’t listen or pay attention to me. So I recruited the help of someone else. Why did he listen to that someone else instead of me? I’m clearly not good at what I do. So why try anymore? 

Why do anything when all I’m going to receive in return is nothing?

Also, leaving here won’t do a single thing. I am the problem. And nobody is around to help me fix it, after I’ve done so much for everyone….

I am utterly alone.