How would you describe depression?

The past couple of days I’ve worked in the daytime. I’ve been arriving home at around five or six in the afternoon. My usual routine would be to find out who has plans and where I can join. An alternative to that would be to play video games until my mind explodes with the awesomeness that only a television can deliver. Instead I’ve received this:

I come home from a day at work. It’s been a day that hasn’t been particularly easy, but I’m only telling myself that. Realistically, it was a piece of cake. But this ugly burden made work go by much slower and made the load much heavier than it usually is. So as soon as I get home I take a piss and walk into my room. I take off my work clothes and sit and stare at the blue light from my alarm clock.

It’s 5:42 in the afternoon. It’s still pretty early, but I’m just so tired. I don’t want to do a single thing. Sitting up takes effort… so much effort. Keeping my eyes open takes up even more effort. I want to be awake, but I don’t know why seeing as how I won’t be doing anything worthwhile tonight. I don’t want to sleep, but I’m so sleepy. Why are my thoughts and my actions so contradictory? 

It’s 6:02. I’ve sat here for twenty minutes in my underwear thinking about contradictory thoughts and actions. Why am I even thinking about this? What’s the purpose? What good will it do for me? Just because I want to sleep doesn’t mean I should. I should try doing something else. But… I want to sleep. A lot. Maybe if I just climb into my bed and lie there I’ll get the motivation to do something. Or rather, I’ll think about the motivation to do something and the thought will initially turn into action. Ugh, nevermind. I don’t want to do anything. I’m too tired to do anything. Even the thoughts of thinking of doing something are making me more tired. What time is it?

6:15. This is ridiculous. The clock has slowed down. I need time to go faster. Where’s my iPod? Where’s my phone? Where’s my 3DS? I’ll just lie in bed to recuperate some lost energy from the day. My pillow feels great. But it’ll definitely feel better when I flip it over. Or maybe if I bend it so my head is slightly elevated… there we go. No, that’s no good. Why can’t I find the position that my pillow is usually at? The one that makes me fall asleep at night? Speaking of sleeping, I probably shouldn’t sleep if I want to keep a good sleeping schedule. But what do I need one of those for? I work at night for the rest of the week so it’s not like I’ll have to wake up early.

My iPod says it’s 6:18. Maybe Facebook can entertain me for a minute. I don’t have anything worthwhile to post, but I’ll see if I can’t get any ideas from anyone else. Which is stupid because I should be my own person and write something genuine that comes from me and only me. But how can I say something when I’ve got nothing to say? And how can I have nothing to say when I have so many thoughts in my head? But what exactly are these thoughts? What am I thinking about? Why am I asking so many questions?! And why am I answering my questions with other questions? This fucking sucks. I have to stop thinking like this.

… Like what? What exactly is this? I need to know. I want to stop thinking of these things, whatever they are. I can’t stop thinking about them until I figure out what they are, and in order to figure out what these things are I need to think about them. But I don’t want to. Is this normal? Is this real life? Am I thinking about these things because I want to think about them because I want to figure them out? Figure what out?! There’s nothing here. Thoughts are nothing. They’re not concrete. They’re definitely not cohesive. I need distractions from this.

I’m tired of this song. I want to change it. But doing so means I’d have to exit from my distraction to change the song, and that’s too much effort for something that will end in two minutes. This is the longest song I’ve ever heard. I’m not even listening to it anymore. My thoughts about the song have taken over my mind. I like this song. I don’t like this song. This song is catchy. I’m paying attention. I’m not listening to it. Why am I not enjoying this song like I used to? What’s wrong with me? 

I want to be with someone right now, someone to fill my mind with their thoughts and not mine. But I’m not in any state to be around people. Who would want to be around me right now? I wouldn’t want to be around me. But I’m stuck here. I used to be able to un-stick myself from this kind of thinking. What happened? What triggered this? Can I know so I can avoid it in the future? Will knowing what triggered this change my perspective? What perspective? Perspective on what? What am I talking about? What is this "this" that I refer to? Good question. What am I referring to? Why do I want to refer to it? What good will it do? What am I trying to accomplish here? And why am I trying to accomplish something while naked in my bed? 

Great, Skylar just got home. Wait… why am I dreading Skylar being home? I enjoy being around him so much.

(Enter Skylar, talk talk talk, exit Skylar.)

Good riddance. He just kept talking and talking. Why wouldn’t he just leave me? Couldn’t he tell that I tried to be disinterested in what he had to say? Truly, I paid attention to all the words he said. He just wanted someone to talk to and I’m here. I’m always here for him. And being the ungrateful bastard I am I brushed him off because it’s best he didn’t talk to me right now. Why would anyone want to talk to me right now? Maybe this is why I should stay in my room for the rest of the night. I’ll spare everyone from dealing with me.

I’m not doing anything. But I’m not doing nothing. This is frustrating! Why am I kicking the bed? That’s doing nothing but messing up my covers. Now they feel all funny. Fuck. I hate this. I want to kick and punch everything. Especially this wall. Fucking wall. I’ve been staring at it for a long time now. Why? There’s nothing interesting about this fucking wall! It’s plain and it’s white and there’s nothing on it. Fucking, fucking wall! Why must you frustrate me so!? This anger! I can’t get it out! I can’t tear my pillow in half and my hair is stuck to my head. Why would I want to pull out my hair? Or tear my pillow? This is so stupid! I want to scream! Instead I’ll grab on to my fitted sheet as if I were clinging to life itself. But that did nothing. Nothing but make my arms tired. What was I trying to fix? Frustration? What was I frustrated about? The wall? What did the wall do to me? It’s just being there… being a wall….

Oh my God I’ve got to do something. Maybe I’ll finally get around to watching those seasons of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia that I bought during black Friday. But I have no interest in doing so. What am I interested in doing then? Maybe I’ll go to the living room and continue on with Skyward Sword. Nah…. that doesn’t sound like fun either. I have my iPod right here; I can play a game on there. No. I don’t want to. My stomach is telling me to feed it. I don’t have a desire to do so. If I

ignore it, it’ll go away. I’m going to die of malnutrition. I’m going to die anyway so why not accelerate it? I don’t see a problem with this.

Arrgh! I want to be happy, damn it! Why can’t I function like normal? This wall is functioning normally. Be fucking content, you fucking wall. I can’t even see you right now because of how dark it is outside. It’s dark in here too. It’s best to stay in this dark room. I couldn’t handle being anywhere else. Especially around people. Because they’ll ask me what’s wrong. And I’d rather not discuss it. I’ll say, "Nothing is wrong. Don’t worry about it." And they won’t give two shits because they’ll believe me. They’ll believe my lie. Why won’t anyone listen to what I’m not saying? I don’t want anyone to listen, just to talk to. But this is completely non-understandable. I can’t explain to anyone what I’m going through right now. Hell, even I don’t know what this is!! So I’ll stay here. If someone really wants to talk to me, they’ll call me or send me a text.

But nobody will do that. Out of sight, out of mind. Nobody takes me into consideration anymore. Just because I pushed you away so you don’t see me in this state doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t appreciate you taking an interest, everyone! Nobody is listening. Nobody can hear my thoughts. I can’t express my thoughts. They’ll think I’m crazy. Nobody wants to be around the crazy kid, but little do they know that the crazy kid craves to be around someone. Someone I can express everything to. But I can’t express anything… didn’t I just think about this?

I want to stop thinking! Why is my mind doing this to me? The one thing I can’t control right now is what is driving me nuts! Why? Get out of here! Get out of me! Out of my head, out of my mind! I can’t keep this bottled up! I can’t… I want to explode so bad. Explode in anger, explode in tears, anything! But I can’t. I don’t know how. I can’t make it happen. It’ll feel fake and it won’t help. I need help. How do I deal with this? I just want this gone forever. Don’t come back. Get out of here. I never asked for you. What caused you anyway!? Fuck you! Fuck this! I want to burst! Blow up! I’m stuck inside my head! I’ve been here for days and I can’t leave. I don’t think I’ll ever leave. That’s… depressing.

It’s… 2:16 am. I… just wasted eight hours of my life. I did nothing. Nothing but… this. Whatever this is. I just thought of thoughts that are bothering me. And that bothers me. I wish I knew why. I wish I could just sleep away. I wish I knew why I can’t just sleep away. This has happened for four nights in a row now. It’s normal. This is not normal…. It bothers me that this has been happening. It bothers me that I can’t fix this. It bothers me that I can’t understand this. It bothers me that I can’t understand why I can’t fix this. I can fix anything. Or so I thought. Ugh. Just stop! Stop this now!

 

…

 

 

I need help.

This is insanity.