Dating Girls for Jesus

Southern Utah is a funny place. It’s filled with young, single parents struggling with their exes with matters concerning alimony or child support. It’s the land where polygamists run rampant in their homemade button-up shirts and fishtail braids. It’s also the home to all the closeted fatasses of the world.

I recently downloaded Grindr for my phone. I had heard of it and how it works. If it was going to show me the guys that are nearby then there wasn’t much of a reason to get it. A guy came into work a couple of weeks ago and stared me down each time I walked next to him. When I walked behind him I realized that he was on Grindr on his phone. I figured maybe I’d find him on there and get a little somethin’ somethin’.

It never happened, which is okay, I guess. Looking around on Grindr I see the same guys that I’ve made fun of on Craigslist. I know all their names, too. Most of them have one thing in common. They’re not out of the closet and it’s starting to bother me. On the first screen of guys that Grindr shows me I know two of which are completely out. Me and Payden. This is not an okay situation.

Maybe Grindr was made for big cities. Actually, I’m sure it was made for big cities. I’d like to turn on my Grindr one day in Seattle and find out that a really sexy guy lives just 253 feet away from me. Then I’d hike up my britches and walk right over to him, possibly spill some milk all over his dog and we’d go into his bathroom to wash him together and we’d fall madly in love and I’d get rich from music royalties.

That can’t happen in Southern Utah. The cocksuckers here are dating girls for Jesus. My first two years of school this guy named Brandon was a dick whenever I was around. He came out after dumping his girlfriend and graduating from school. Remember Sam Taylor? I’m still positive he’s gay but will never do anything about it because of his background. He’ll date girls for Jesus. Brian and Matt both dated (and are still dating) girls even though Brian, when he once went to a different state, introduced himself as a homosexual. The other Bryan hesitated to come out because of his family and because of what God would think of him.

Those are just the few stories of the ones  that I have talked to, let alone those on Grindr or Craigslist. The Craigslist boys are a different story. They search for skinny, white, and hung. I have a theory that they only want to live out their fantasies because their girlfriends/wives and their vaginas aren’t satisfying them. They wouldn’t satisfy me either so I don’t blame them. Most of those guys are obese and hairy anyway. I don’t know if they ever find their skinny, white, and hung because the skinny, white, and hung are too afraid to let Jesus see them suck cock.

The problem, for me, when it comes to others dating girls for Jesus is when Jesus himself kind of is attracted to one of these girl-daters. His name is Eric and he’s a very cute guy. He returned from his LDS mission a year ago and is no hurry to get married. I went to dinner with him last night and I found out a few interesting things about him.

He’s from here. As in grew up here all his life and maybe changed houses once. All the people that I met during my first few years of school he’s been friends with since middle school. Most of his friends I don’t really like. Most of his friends are closeted homosexuals, some of which have finally realized that dick is what makes them happy. He doesn’t drink, he doesn’t do drugs, and his idea of fun is dancing and bowling. He’s wanted to get me to go bowling with him for a really long time.

I don’t like to go dancing. I don’t like going out to dance anywhere unless I’m completely trashed (which still hasn’t happened since Amber’s wedding. Before then was my birthday, which will be in four and a half months. I’m pretty proud of myself). I don’t like the bar anymore and bowling… bowling is terrible. Bowling is boring. Bowling is never fun. But I told him that I’ll go with him one night.

Because I think I may kind of like this guy. He’s really, really, cute. I hate using the word cute because I’m not entirely sure of its meaning, but it’s what he is. Cute. A bit femmy, but I’m okay with that.

What I’m not okay with is that he wants to get married by the time he’s 30. I never asked questions concerning his sexuality because I didn’t think it was appropriate. If friends is what we’re meant to be, then I’m okay with that.

But I’d really just like to make out with him. He really is a good looking guy. 😛