Smile Like You Mean it…

2 AM and I’m still awake writing this song
If I get it all down on paper it’s no longer inside of me
Threatening the life it belongs to.
And I feel like I’m naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary screamin’ out aloud
And I know that you’ll use them however you want to.

~Anna Nalick "Breathe"

Time to vent like a pro…a lot has happened this weekend that I want to throw out there…the quote os for anybody to enjoy….the rest is mostly just for me.

     He’s a good guy.  I know it, and I usually believe it.  Right now for instance.  Things had been going weirdly for about a week and a half, maybe two weeks, I couldn’t explain it, but we didn’t touch each other, we didn’t relax, we merely forced ourselves together and hoped for the best.  But then he returned early from Dublin, on Tuesday actually, and so we arranged that he would come to the writere’s meeting and stay with me that night so he didn’t have to leave early. 

     All in all it wasn’t a bad idea.  But there was still the last lingering bits of awkwardness, and I felt it strongly, in addition to being hormonally unstable(i genuinely hate this particular time of the month) so after several glasses of wine and talking to strangers etc. I found myself in a emotional upheaval which I deeply regret, but honestly I can’t do anything about it so I shan’t dwell.  But basically it made that evening uncomfortable for all involved…I hate drama and there I was leaking it all over everyone’s evening.

     Let’s just say it was bad.

     Of course the following day I had to face the aftermath of my idiocy, but first I left and met up with Danielle for breakfast at Tony’s where we talked and I gathered my sobering thoughts.  Then Dean and I sat down and talked for a long time about what had happened and what was going on and a bunch of junk along those lines.  I guess I never thought about it before…but I suppose you could say I get spooked by emotional/conversational intimacy.  It feels too rushed, too intense sometimes for me.  And he asks a lot of me in an area where no one ever really has before. 

     It can be a bit overwhelming.

     But we talked about it.  We knew where we stood as far as that was concerned.  And we spent the rest of the day together goofing off and shaking the emotional trauma from the previous night off our backs.  It felt good, easy, comfortable…the first time I’d felt this way with him since the first few dates. 

     He was supposed to leave that night, and as I walked him to the bus station to say goodbye, I was a bit sad that things had gone so badly the previous night.  Through a strange turn of events his plans for the following evening got cancelled and he asked to stay another night.  We stayed, spent the evening alone together, and cuddled 🙂 and talked for the duration of the evening. 

     All in all things rolled on beaautifully…

     Then he calls the other night, and we talked about something that has been a major concern of his, and while I can’t fully understand why, I tried to help him work through it, which I think he did, as a conclusion was reached that seemed to please him.  Once his mood lightened, mine did as well.  And then the weirdest topic of all.

     "What are we?  Are we boyfriend and girlfriend?"

     No, I told him, we’re really still just dating.  But could we be more?  Is this going somewhere?  Yes, I suppose the answer is yes….or better yet….maybe.  We shall see what is to come.  There are still three months ahead of us, and with him going to Dublin…who knows.

     He admitted he thought this would only be a fling.  I admitted I thought that our first date wasn’t really a date.  We decided we liked it better this way.  He said Dublin might be a good thing…if we can handle that kind of distance, then maybe we can handle my return to the states.  I told him we needed to make it that far…but my heart stumbled when he spoke.  Could we really be going somewhere? 

     Should I really let my heart go again?  Should I invest myself in something for real this time?  He’s not just some guy I meet once, make out with, then refuse to speak with ever again.  He spent -two- days here in a row….well three if u count when he left….but wow…I don’t know what to think at all.  I know what he wants from his future as far as relationships are concerned.  He wants a wife and a family one day.  And there have been times in my recent past where I didn’t want any of that…but I don’t know what I want.  Could I leave the States for someone?  Could he leave Ireland for me? 

     It may not even get that far. 

     I’ll play it by ear…let each day bring what it will…and deal with each ting as it comes.  No fighting it…I always wanted to be overwhelmed….maybe this is my chance…