Night is determined to force us away

    I am a carving away pieces of myself every day.  Soon I will be a hollow, walking shell of book taught information and irrational rationalizations that sound good as they bounce back and forth between my ears, until they peel themselves from my lips and then what are they? Nonsense.  I feel little to nothing, as if all the part that were me are numbing dulling down to mimic the more mundane aspects of my life.  I cannot hear well-therefore I don’t listen.  I cannot pay attention-therefore I do not see much.  And even my sense of sensation(touch) is slowly failing me.  We will not even adress the subject of taste, as I am a weirdly picky eater and no help can be found for that.

    To relate the events which plague me currently I’ll try to speak plainly…I get a bit carried away when typing *blush*  But None of that.

     I have a boyfriend who live very…very…very far away.  He and I speak as frequently as possible…myself spending outrageous amounts of money on phone cards which I cannot always afford.  He has called me himself, but for the most part I am the caller…and usually I am fine with this.  I really care about him, might actually love him, and he is (supposed to be) saving up to come and visit me this summer.  I am trying very hard not to doubt that this will actually come to pass. 

     Have I mentioned that at the end of this month we will have been dating for about six months?  That’s half a year…wow.

    I won’t post exactly why he is confusing me…upsetting me…and the like.  I’m still trying to figure out whether of not I’m just being foolish about it all.  But I will say I do not like being made a fool.

     On other notes…I am desperate now.  I feel as if the week an a half I have to wait to get to see the doctor is too far away.  I need some kind of resolution to my inability to do ANYTHING.  I cannot study, remember assignments, or even basic facts.  I feel as if my functionality in this world is steadily declining.  I need help.  And I hate meds….HATE THEM.  But if they can help me weather this, even for just a short while…I will be glad to have them for now.

     Perhaps I can be better…better in everything.

    Until then my mind is a mass of tangles and loose ends.

meh :'(