My lips don’t lie…my words do…

     First Spring Break…then Breaking News:

Spring Break:

     Basically the long and short of it is that the week flew by with recklass abandonment, and little or no care as to whether I accomplished anything or not.  Traumas came and went…and are still being worked through in some cases.  But I got some good shopping in, and saw my Grandmother and Papa, which was nice 🙂  I ate a lot of Chipotle(yum) and my niece turned one year old so I got to go to her borthday party 🙂  Also Cookie turned 22 so I took him out for ice cream.  The problem was with the people I didn’t see…and the ones I didn’t see enough.  And now I’m back at school…with more work than ever resting in my lap and no idea where I’ll find the time to do it. :'(  Ah well. 

Breaking News:

     I have basically broken it off with the boyfriend…I guess I should be calling him my ex now..It’s one of the hardest things in this world to break up with someone who you care about.  Still…it wasn’t working.  He’s in Ireland and I’m here, and communication was failing, feelings were getting confused, and I honestly don’t know that we ever had what one would call a solid relationship.  We’d been dating for seven months.  Hah.  :'( 

     There’s too much to talk about here I guess…but the point is I was honest with him about some things.  It’s always hard for me to be upfront with people  like him…charismatic and wildly engaging personalities sometimes just overwhelm me when I’m not on my guard.  He deserved honesty…and the honest truth is that this relationship causes me more anxiety than joy.  I really don’t want to lose him from my life, but I have to accept it if he can’t be my friend.  I mean we were close when we talked…but I feel like the romance didn’t have a strong enough foundation to withstand the distance…I guess that’s what happens when you get involved for all the wrong reasons…and we both did.  That’s honesty.

     I can’t half-ass a relationship…it’s just not in me.  When I do the girlfriend thing, I’m there 100%.  I don’t play mind games…I don’t ask hypothetical questions to draw out guilty thoughts or whatever the hell they expose.  I derrive no satisfaction from making my significant other feel badly, whether they deserve to or not.  Their sadness is mine.  And I certainly don’t try to make then doubt me.  I can’t be in a relationship this full of doubt and insecurity.  The only way to build trust…especially in this case…is to just be honest.  And when we rushed into the relationship, with all its expectations and all the trying to impress…it takes twice as long for me to build confidence like that. 

      Maybe that is my fault…but my heart and mind agree…this is not what it should be, even taking baby steps.  I need something different.  But I also want our friendship to remain and hopefully grow.  I’ve never tried to walk this road with an ex before…but I am willing and hopefull.  This has always been different…

     I am always the one in this position…do I put myself here?  I don’t know.  But it never gets easier…and the results…are always unexpected.  God, I hope he can understand, and forgive me for doing this to him….I never wanted to hurt him.  I hate hurting people…because every pain I inflict on anyone else feels like a betrayal of my self…and it makes me sick…