beat him with a bat.

I recently started counseling, I have my second session tomorrow. I’m glad because my son said something heartbreaking the other day.

We were laying in bed cuddling, and all of a sudden he looks up at me and says

“you should of married someone else Mom, because then I’d have a Dad”

I tried to explain to him that if I would of married someone else then I wouldn’t have him, but he didn’t seem to understand.

Moments like this make me want to find my ex, and pound him with a bat. Side note : I bet that would feel fantastic! It just breaks my heart, that those thoughts and feelings have to run through my kids.

What a jerk, what a douche!

I know, it’s for the best that he isn’t around, and I know my kids have fantastic lives and are super happy. But hearing that, knowing that, ugh.

Sometimes I wonder if this is why I can’t date. Because I screwed up with their Dad, and I can’t forgive myself for it? I forgive that jerkface for our awful marriage, but I’m pissed at the after math. Now I’m wondering if I’m mad at the aftermath and myself, I probably am. Isn’t that normal?

On another note, I’ve been talking to this guy, Jason. I thought his name was Joshua, and I would pretend to be Rachel from friends. His name is Jason and now I’m a little sad. We haven’t met, and I don’t know if he wants to. A part of me thinks he’s happy with this texting relationship, and I am not. I want to meet. I also found some skeletons and I’m not impressed. He doesn’t’ have a car… he’s in his 40s. (I feel shallow) but ugh. that sucks! he lost his license for I think DUI years ago but still. I also creeped him on the internet and realized I knew his sister and brother growing up, and they were super messed up. So now my guard is up. sigh. He’s sweet, and he texts me every morning, and I don’t’ want to loose that haha. Good Morning texts are my favorite.

anyway. i’m off.