Rant/Vent (Feel Free To Ignore This Post)

 My Dearest Readers,

I’m going stir crazy, I need to get out of this house…but at the same time…I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to socialize. I don’t want to talk to anyone who doesn’t know what’s going on. No one does and I’m not going to talk about it. As soon as I leave here I have to pretend that everything is all sunshine and butterflies. It’s not, okay? Nothing is okay right now. I feel like I’m caught in a whirlwind of emotion that no one can control. I’m depressed and angry and I’m just not okay…Wait, Of course I am. I have to be okay. I always have to be okay. When I’m not okay I’m annoying or over-reacting or ridiculous or my personal favorite (sarcasm) Selfish. Why is it that everyone around me is allowed to break down sometimes but I’m not? Why is it that everyone else can hurt but I can’t? Why is everyone but me allowed to be angry, depressed, lonely, scared, or sad? I don’t have anyone to open up to and I don’t have anyone who will let me anyway. Any and everything I say gets brushed off in a pass like I’m overreacting or like it doesn’t matter. I don’t WANT to be okay. I want to be able to hurt, to be angry, to cry, to feel. Apparently that’s just too much to ask. I can’t do this on my own anymore but everyone seems to think that now is a good time to abandon me…I feel so betrayed. I tell everyone that it’s okay to not be okay sometimes but no one ever tells me that. I guess they assume that I’m just okay all the time…I can’t do this.

I have a few friends that know about everything I went through at the end of April and everyone seems to think that everything is okay now. Everyone seems to think that I’ve gotten over it and that it’s over. It still hurts. Every. Single. Day. That doesn’t matter, though, right? All that matters is that blank and blank broke up or blank is talking about blank behind their back. Petty fucking problems that I don’t care about. I don’t want to hurt anyone, though. I’m just going to continue acting like everything is okay and that everything is good and then I’ll just cry when I’m alone at night. I’ll care about what every one else is hurting about or happy about or whatever. I’ll worry more about what’s going on with them and then later I’ll think about me. I don’t want to be annoying, I don’t want to over-react, I don’t want to be ridiculous, and above all…I don’t want to be selfish. I’m not a selfish person and I won’t have anyone thinking that I am. 

It’s better to care about everyone else above yourself, right? Well, That’s how it seems to be working out. No one really cares what happens to me anyway.  Oh, and this post isn’t about the woe-is-me bullshit, it really isn’t. It’s about how even my best friends won’t give me the time of day to really hurt…and grieve…over what has happened. Everyone expects me to be okay and to be good by now. Not a single one of them really understands what I’ve had to go through…I can’t talk to anyone. Not a single fucking person. I’d talk to Nova because he’s been through all of this with me, but I can’t. He hasn’t talked to me since Mother’s day. I don’t know why. We aren’t fighting, or anything like that…I’ve called 4 times since then…no answer. I’m afraid of what this might mean. I’m afraid that this will be an end. I don’t want this to be over. I don’t want to be alone. I love him, I really do. I don’t know what else to say on the matter except for the fact that he actually knows every detail of everything I’ve gone through in the last two months. He was there very fucking step of the way. I don’t know where he is now, though. I don’t understand. I’m so…scared. 

I’m sorry for all the bullshit, readers. I just…I needed to vent and rant a little bit. Feel free to ignore everything I’ve said. I might just go back and make this private later, I haven’t decided yet. I just don’t want to seem like a whiny or petty person…I don’t want you to think that I’m being selfish or overreacting. I’m just…Upset. And angry and just generally not okay. I’ll talk to you all soon enough, I’m sure. I love each and every one of you, Thank you for reading! 

~♥EmieLove♥~