wearing thin

Today i played for my studio (which is the smaller of the two recital sem. classes i have) it wasnt too bad i guess. I just dont understand why i cant play in front of people. Its frustrating. I kept my head on today only cause this piece is pretty easy for the most part..i played it in like 10th grade. But theres a couple spots, where my fingers just refuse..to do what i need them to do. I can practice the runs slow as hell..and then work my way up to speed, but once im there, it still sounds like shit! and if i fix something one day, i’ll come back a few days later and it sounds like crap again. I don’t understand. I know that like, certain fingerings are easier for some than others..just has to do with cooridination i suppose..but, i don’t understand why i cant get it if i practice it. It seems far fetched to believe thats its “physically impossible for my fingers to do it” or something like that..so is it all in my head? i dont understand!! so frustrated!! Ive heard people say here that theyve come to terms with the fact that they will never be as good as so and so, or the best, or something along those lines. I dont know how people do that. I wouldnt be satisfied with myself..just being mediocre (sp??) But on the same hand, its like, what if this is as good as u can be. I understand that some people just have more natural talent than others..but..i dont know. For the most part ive made a big improvement in trying to stop comparing myself to everyone else here. Its hard though. When you hear a person who is just so much better than you..it just makes you wonder why you don’t sound like that..why u cant sound like that, no matter how hard you try.

I am supposed to play for area the day i get back from break..(recital sem class..the bigger one) Id guess theres about…80-85 ppl in there, and im scared. Besides the fact that im playing for all my peers, ive never played for a large group of people period. I would MUCH rather play for a group of strangers than for my peers. This will be the first time ive played for this class too..god help me….not being able to know how im going to react once i get up on stage is the worse part. Cause im going to be one of two things…calm..collected and ready to go..or nervous, shaky (literally) and not confident. Hands shaking is definitely one of the worst things..ugh..

idk..just the never feeling like you’re good enough kind of wears you down after awhile:~/ Im trying really hard to just concentrate on being the best i can be..but its hard.