read me

so here it is..i need to get it all out. Im not even sure what exactly it is thats making me unhappy..but im sure it will work its way out once i start writing.

Why am i never satisfied with just myself?..why does my happiness depend so much on other people? I feel like i need so much, something to look forward to, to keep me going. I know other people who are the same way, but, i wish i didnt need that. I wish i could just be happy with, myself. I was hoping this problem that started..end of last semester really, then hit me hard over the summer, would just work itself out, but it hasnt. Granted, im not as unhappy as i was over the summer, I did stupid things to myself physically hoping it would ease what i was feeling emotionally, but im not going to start that again. I am always looking for what i want in the wrong places though i think. I cant help it. I cant help that i want the things i do..or who rather. I just keep getting disappointed repeatedly..but i still go back for more. This person doesnt really realize that it disappoints me so much..but, they know enough. I just wish they showed me they cared more. I know they do, or else i wouldnt keep going back..i feel like its just a matter of them letting me in. I see that it would be good..and I think they do to, although they would never tell me that. I can see the potential..I know you shouldnt work for potential, as in “if they just changed a little..it would be perfect” thats not what i mean..i see it already there, i dont need to change anything about this person, i just need them to let me in. This is hard to explain..I can see myself being able to be very much myself with this person, which isnt something that comes easy for me, but when it does, it feels, so nice.

I hate that i have such a problem being myself around people. I can honeslty say that only one person, has ever seen ALL of me..inside and out. I am dying to come out of my shell..but its easier said than done. I don’t know how to let my gaurd down, its been up my whole life. I feel bad that im not better friends with certain people here. Some people who i would call aquaintences, i wish i could call friends. I mean its my own fault, I know that im a shy person..and i keep letting that get in the way. I didnt talk to hardly anyone last year, (except my roommates) now, all but one of those people are gone. Either living with other people, or not at this school anymore. Its hard..its different. I dont know why im not able to show more people “all of me”..i am afraid people wont like me, if they get to know me. Which is stupid..cause..all the friends i do have that see(for the most part) how i really am ..none of them hate me..i dont think i know anyone who hates me. I don’t know how to not be just, shy and closed up though. Its not something i do intentionally, it just happens. There are people here, who are just as insane as i am, and who i would get along great with..but i cant get past my..self..and let what i am really like out for everyone to see.

I am constantly feeling like what i do isnt good enough. I had a little nervous breakdown a week or two ago..just, with school..music..well, music is school for me so..I feel like ive been up against a wall ever since i came to fredonia..and im talking last year. I dont feel like im improving..it feels like such a struggle, more than it ever was. Im not used to feeling like im not good..and i feel that more than ever now that im here. It is SUCH a confidence shaker too..i used to be quite confident in my playing..not cocky..just confident in my abilities, as everyone should be, and ever since ive been at fredonia, i have had zero confidence. Its affecting everything i do here. The way i play mostly..if i dont have confidence, i will play like shit..and thats exactly whats been happening to me. I played for studio yesterday…SHIT. I know i could have played it better, but nerves, got the best of me. I dont know why either..i know every person in my studio..and im sure they werent sitting there..wanting me to mess up, we all want to hear eachother succeed. (i do anyway..) And the fact that i added performance as a major this year..is just the kicker..i want to be performing MORE for people..when i cant even do this?? I talked to a friend recently who told me i am just “on a plateu” and that its a good thing..it means i am going to improve..that i’ll find that before my playing is about to change..i’ll bite the big one for awhile. Which was a relief to hear..cause ive been beating myself up a lot about it. So..as far as that goes, i just have to keep at it..and i will..ive never quit anything..i just hope i start improving soon..cause im losing my mind..its frustrating beyond belief.

I need to find a balance with what i do. One thing i miss is guard. Doing colorguard in highschool, was the best time of my life. Its hard to explain to someone who’s never done it..but for me, it was like a counteraction against my music. I had something else to go to that i love love loved doing when i got frustrated with music. I miss it so much. I had the craziest life in highschool..i would work mondays, fridays and sundays, we had practice for guard tues, thurs. saturdays (sometimes sundays too) were show days, and we’d be gone from like..10 am til 12-1 in the morning. wednesdays were my private lesson day..i managed to keep up with music just fine, and i was happier. I NEED something..that i can go to when i need to walk away from music for a little while.

I need to be comfortable in my own skin..but i dont know how to get there. I’ve been crying out for attention..but im not getting it from the person i so badly want it from. I really am dying to be myself..and i don’t know why i cant be. I am sick of being on this emotional rollercoaster. I just want to be happy, and i havent been in awhile.