R.I.P Mom 6-22-08 part I

Tuesday May 27th 2008

On the 27th I came back to the US from China.  I’d say I went home, but I didn’t.  I spent a few days on long island with erin. That evening I called home to talk to my parents. I told them about the flight home and some more about China I’m sure.  After awhile Mom told me that she had gotten the results of her biopsy she had done right before I left, that it was cancer like they thought and that Hospice was coming the next day to the house.  I got that nervous stomach feeling..I know Hospice is called in when it’s hopeless.  I started crying..as silently as I could on the phone.  I didn’t want Mom to hear me, it would just upset her.  I broke down a little after I hung up, erin tried to make me feel better.  I tried to get a flight home that was sooner than the one I had, (Sunday June 1st) but it would have cost me more to change my flight than I paid for the original ticket. So I had to stay.  I felt bad..I tried to have fun, but I ended up crying everyday at some point. Usually at night..when I was alone.  Finally the day came to go home.

Sunday June 1st

I got home from the airport around 12:30-1pm.  I came in the living room, Mom was in her green recliner. She was as thin as I’d ever seen her.  She got teared up when I came in, I went over and hugged her. Rachel was with me, so I showed my parents and her pictures, and gave them their souveniers I got them.  After awhile Mom was supposed to take a pill, I think it was morphine.  She got funny feeling, like dizzy and sleepy so she went to take a nap in the bedroom.  I went upstairs and just went online for awhile.  My Dad came up after a little while and said he had to talk to me.  We sat down and he told me that my Mom was in stage 4..she was going to die. Hospice, as I suspected, was there to make her as comfortable as they could until the end.  I started to cry..I cried a lot..so much that I couldn’t really see anything..too blurry from tears, and couldn’t breathe through my nose at all. I got the biggest headache from it.  I stayed upstairs for a long time..even after mom woke up and was back in her chair.  I didn’t want to go downstairs upset..I figured she had to be upset enough on her own knowing what was happening to her..I didn’t want to make her cry more from seeing me upset.  I can’t imagine knowing that you’re going to die..that you have to leave your family behind..and not being able to do anything about it.  Later that night, I still hadn’t gone downstairs. I was in my room and I heard her throwing up, moaning from the pain and crying.  I went downstairs, Dad was rubbing her back, I just sat on the floor by her feet..I didn’t know what I could do. Thats when it set in how bad things really were..and had been.  My parents knew she was stage 4 the day before my graduation..they didn’t want to tell me until I got home. Mom made it to my graduation, my aunt brought her in a wheelchair.  My band director Dr. Holcomb made arrangements for her to be able to sit right down in front by the band. She also let me play my concerto with the wind ensemble again at the ceremony, since my Mom wasn’t able to make it to the concert.  I know Mom was so happy to be able to go to that…little did I know it would be the last time she’d ever see me play.