longer than i thought…
so today i had my first “cry alone in a practice room” session of the semester. It held off longer than usual..that must mean im getting used to it or something…. Right after my lesson..i wanted to cry a little bit when i was in there..but i didnt.
My personality problems are rearing their ugly heads. By personality problems i mean my lack of confidence, inability to trust myself, fear of feeling stupid//being embarassed in front of people. I dont know how im going to go about acomplishing everything ive set out to do here (school) if i cant get past these problems.
It started in conducting today…i cant open up on the podium..my teacher said “everything looks the same” and i agree with her..but i just..i dont know..i dont feel the music..i cant show it if i dont feel it..? she wants me to show expression in my face//body// hands whatever..and i cant. Its very frustrating for me because i know im not doing as well as i could..but i cant get outside of my box:( people just say “just do it..do this..do that..” but i cant..idk how else to explain it..its not comfortable for me..its quite the opposite.
moving on…
my lesson..started off ok, i played this awful etude, pretty hard..when i was done my teacher just laughed (sympathetically) and said ok. then we talked about me doing a PC recital (performance certificate) which is harder than ur regular recital..in that they dont give PC’s to everyone who tries to get one…i have to have my whole recital ready to go basically by the end of this semester..cause my jury at the end of this semester will be my audition (aka hearing) as to whether or not im allowed to give a pc recital. then i played the one solo im working on for him….pretty much shit all over it as far as im concerned. I dont know what my problem is. The MINUTE i have to play in front of people..everything changes..and i cant play worth shit. but its not everyone that makes me nervous. I think ive found that its only peoples opinions that matter to me..or people that intimidate me. ..i dont know how to say this without it making me sound..conceited…I have trouble playing in front of people that i know are better than me. I know i shouldnt compare myself to people..and blah blah blah..but its inevitable…i cant get around it..neither can most people here. You hear eachother play alllll the time..theres no way to not compare urself to them..at least for me. Which is also weird, because im friends with most of the clarinet players here…the relationships between players in this school is very odd..in that we’re all still friends..a lot of us good friends, which doesn’t happen often in music schools..competition can get ugly. Im comparing myself in the two ensembles that im in this semester. In one, im principle..in the other i play E flat clarinet. In the one that im principle in..i have no confidence problems, and i play much better than i do in the other ensemeble. As awful as it sounds..and as bad as it is..its only because im principle..and i have a little more confidence there. In the other ensemble..im mixed in with all the top wind players in the school, and i have to sit next to scott (principle clarinet player in this band, E flat player sits next to the principle.. ) So..my confidence is SHOT in this group because one..im playing on an instrument ive never touched before this year. two, because im sitting next to the best clarinet player in the school…who is also my friend..so i dont understand…myself. I shouldnt be intimidated by him..but i am..a lot. I hate playing in front of him. Its not just him..but, im just using him as an example. I have to play in studio on monday and im praying to god it wont SUCK…cause it generally does when i play in studio..and then i go and kick myself afterwards because i know ive played a hundred times better when im on my own, in a practice room. I just dont know what to do with myself:(:(:(:( i have to get past all this, or else im going to get no where….but i dont know how.