im sorry..

I’m sorry that times like these are the only times i feel like writing.. and  i dont suggest you continue if you are sick of reading the same shit over and over in my OD…im sorry..god knows im sick of thinking about it, but i can’t help it.

i’ve never been made to feel so unwanted by anyone i dont think..and ironically enough, i feel this way because of one of my best friends. I am in a lose-lose situation.   I can choose to let things continue the way the are with scott, because he wont make a decision, or i can put my foot down and say this has to stop, I don’t want to do this anymore.  But by putting my foot down i would basically be ruining everything we have including our friendship, because i can’t be ok with being just friends..this is apparent by how many times ive tried to change things with scott.

If i bring it up again, he gets all pissy and annoyed..because "i dont know..i cant give you an answer because i just dont know"  If i dont bring it up again, i just have to live with the contemplating thoughts in my head like nothing is wrong, which kills me.

He doesn’t like to sleep over anymore, he doesn’t try to kiss me, when i kissed him, he laughed..twice. maybe i should take the hint..

Last time i brough everything up, i asked him what he thought about having an.."open relationship" with me..  basically just what we are already, since..we are basically dating although he doesnt seem to realize it, but just putting a title on it to make me feel better.  I said all it would mean is that hes not going to see anyone else, and neither am i, and if/when we did become more serious physically, i wouldnt feel so bad about it, i would have some sense of security.  he said "i dont know i have to think about it".  I said..something along the lines of right..you wont bring it up again, and he denied it.."i just need to think about it" i think its safe to say i was right..seeing as how this conversation happened about a month ago and he hasnt said a word about it.

 This is so unhealthy.. I’ve told him..that he hurts me more this way with "i dont know’s" than if he were to tell me "no i dont want to date you"  How am i in such an unhealthy relationship with someone who is supposed to be one of my best friends….