i feel like im going to vomit..

My whole life has been torn apart since I came home from school. Very rarely am I really happy anymore.

My mom died.

I broke up with scott–more on this later..

I don’t know what to do with my life anymore-I don’t know if I should go to grad school anymore bc I would be far away, and leaving my Dad alone is not a good idea.

Dad and I are going to be moving out of our house.

I switched semesters for student teaching, I’m doing it in the spring now so that I can hopefully get some order back into my life before I have to go deal with that.

In order to switch semesters I have to withdraw from fredonia, then be reinstated..retarded. so..I really don’t know how I’m supposed to apply for financial aid and scholarships when I’m not going to be enrolled in the fall.

The IRS is trying to make me pay $600 in taxes on money that was given to me in a gift trust by my grandpa (who died about 10 years ago).  I have no information on my taxes, my mom always did my taxes, and I have no information on the account I used to have for this gift trust bc I didn’t think that the fucking IRS would be taxing money that was given to me as a GIFT.

I hate my job..still..I need a new one, I need to make more money. I applied at M&T bank, Mom worked there and kept telling me to apply, so I did.  A friend of hers is going to call and have them pull my application and call for an interview..but I haven’t heard anything yet…..

scott…… I broke up with scott because of religion..believe it or not.  I started thinking about why everything (mom dying) was happening to me. There is no logical reason for it, other than God must be up to something in my life. 

I knew scott didn’t believe the same things I do religiously.  It’s always been an issue for me, not just with him.  During the past few years I just haven’t thought about it..I always pushed it to the back of my mind.  No one wants to talk about that stuff, especially when they know theres a conflict.  I broke it off because we don’t believe anything close to the same thing.  With everything thats happened..I can’t deal with that.  I can’t be with someone who doesn’t believe that my Mom is in heaven..that I’m never going to see her again.  There is a lot more to it (the religion stuff) but basically I want to be a little more serious about religion than I have been.  I’ve been coming to realize that nothing in this world really matters.  Lives can be snuffed out so quickly, and those of us that are left here can be devistated, our entire worlds can be turned upside down at the drop of a hat.  How do people justify how these things happen if they don’t believe in God? My Mom took care of herself, there was no logical reason for her to get cancer, especially pancreatic cancer..she was pretty far from a poster child for pancreatic cancer. How else could it have happened if it wasn’t God? I am a firm believer in the fact that everything happens for a reason, God has a plan for each of us.  It is a terrible thing that happened to my family yes, but what if it happened to make me come back to religion? I’m not saying thats the only reason, but It could be a big one. I have never had a desire to actively participate in religion before.  I’ve been wanting to go to church lately, and praying more.  I went to church the past two weeks, and one thing the pastor said that hit me was "God cares more about your holiness than he does about your happiness." self explanitory I think…

I’ve gotten off topic…

I didn’t want to break up with scott..but I know I could never ignore the religion thing.  It would always be in the back of my mind.  I’m trying to move on..but I’m just sad. I feel bad that I wasted his time..I spent so long…trying to get him to be with me…but I didn’t know that everything with my Mom was going to happen to me..and cause me to react this way. I do believe he really cared about me..I’ve never been in a relationship like ours was. He started to do the little things that showed me he cared..thats what I look for. I get confused when I think about why I ended an otherwise good relationship..but then I try to imagine being with him and ignoring the religion stuff..I couldn’t.do it…besides the fact that hes moving to arizona in like a month.  I was willing to try being together, but being apart..and being forced to ignore something thats such a big deal to me..it just wouldn’t work.  I was going to apply at arizona state too (thats where hes going) and maybe I still will..I don’t know.  Thats on the problem list of "i dont know if im going to grad school anymore" I’ll have to figure that out when I get to it.  If he and I ended up near eachother again, who knows what could happen. Maybe his views on religion will change..if it’s meant to be, it will be I guess.  I still am upset about it though..I keep seeing pictures of him on facebook with people..having a good time and doing fun things.  It upsets me.  It’s not that I don’t want him to be happy and having a nice summer..but I can’t help but feel sad…when I used to be the person who he did all the fun things with..We hardly talk anymore. The pictures I see of him hanging out with a girl that liked him from Fredonia honestly make me want to throw up. I was eating tonight, and saw a picture on facebook of him and two girls (one of them being the girl that liked him) kissing him on either cheek..I completely lost my appetite..no exagerration. The thought of him with someone else makes me feel sick..I want to throw up.  I feel like he wants to forget me..that he looks down on me now for making the decisions about us that I have.

My life has been hard before…but I’ve never been dealt a hand like this one..

I know things are going to get better..I just hope something happens soon.