I can finally write about it..

These past two weeks have been possibly the most stressful weeks i’ve ever been through.  Now..i’ve gone through a lot of stress at school, but this has been a different kind of stress…much more upsetting.

My mom has been pretty sick for the past month and a half or so, and we didn’t know what was wrong with her. She started losing weight without trying, she’d get sick sometimes after eating and throw up, and she started getting jaundice. She finally went to the doctor, who sent her to get an MRI.  It came back showing a "spot" on her pancreas.  We assumed the worst, cancer.  That was a really bad day… I don’t think i’ve ever cried so much before..I really couldn’t stop..the tears just kept coming…i’m tearing up just thinking about it..  She has all the symptoms of someone who would have pancreatic cancer. It scares the life out of me, because I know pancreatic cancer is one of the worst kinds.  It’s just very weird..because she doesn’t fit the profile at all..cancer doesn’t run in her family, she never drinks, never smoked, eats very healthy…  So..I found out two fridays ago..and had to come back to school the next day.  I think I cried the whole way back.. I was walking through the hall in the music building and just had this horrible feeling that i’m not supposed to be here.  I don’t like being here knowing shes sick at home..  She went to a couple other doctors, and now we’re not sure exactly what it is..it could be a number of things, not just cancer. It could be an infection somewhere, and the spot they saw on her pancreas could just be congestion. She went for a biopsy yesterday, went in in the morning, and told me she’d text me or something when she was awake after she was all done.  I was expecting to hear from her by like..11am..12pm.  Time rolled on..heard nothing.  I begin freaking out..fearing the worst of course.  My aunt left me a voicemail also freaking out bc she hadn’t heard from anyone..and wanted to know if i’d heard anything.  I finally talked to my dad around 7pm last night and he told me she didn’t even go in for the thing until like 12pm..and he had no idea what was going on either..no one was telling him anything. fuckin hospitals….. shes fine,they were supposed to put a stint in to clear up some of the ..stuff that was messing up her gall blatter (no idea how to spell that one) but i guess that didn’t go as well as theyd hoped.  They got some stuff out, and she will hopefully stop feeling sick, and be able to eat right.  They also got some cells off the thing on her pancreas so they can figure out exactly what this thing is.  …the waiting continues….

next.. last night my band director sent out a rehearsal schedule for today, and my solo wasnt on it.  My solo..that we’d run through..not rehearsed..run through briefly two times..and the concert is a week from tomorrow. I had a bit of a breakdown..i won’t lie.. Between all the stress from worrying about my mom all day..being sick, and now having my concerto pushed to the side..again.. was a bit much for me.. I was crying..in a practice room no less (you wouldnt believe how many tears those rooms see from people..) being sick+ crying = not being able to breathe out of my nose to save my life.  I started texting scott..bc i didn’t know what to do.  Texting, while driving to wal mart to buy sudafed, while crying..not a good idea. anyway I told him i cant handle all this…i can’t..im only one person, you can only dump so much on me..scott told me to email my band director and my (clarinet) teacher,and then he offered to run a sectional (small concentrated rehearsal) with the woodwind players on the music for my solo. That made me feel better. Then he asked me "is there anything else in the meantime i can do do help you relax?"  Thats probably the sweetest thing hes ever said to me..and i cried a little more then haha.  It doesn’t seem like a big deal I know..but that..is a perfect example of  what i mean when i say i want a guy who does the "little things" for me.  I just said a hug would be nice, so he said he would come over when he got back. I told him he didn’t have to..he’d been on a bus for 10 hours total yesterday back and forth to albany for an awards ceremony.  He still came over though, for a couple hours.

more to come about my concerto issues in a fav’s only entry..