creeping..

Depression is beginning to creep back in..

I have nothing to look forward to..I get up..maybe do some cleaning/packing, shower, eat, and go to work.

work..at a job that I hate…hate ..hate. I don’t make enough money, and I’m just sick of working in a restaurant when my love is music.

I could find another job..another restaurant..or find a job in a mall..but i really don’t want to…unless the pay is great or something, then it might be worth it, but i know i’m not going to find anything in a restaurant/mall that pays really great.  I want a big girl job..i basically have my bachelors degree and i work in a freaking restaurant.  Its no wonder I always hate my life when i come home from fredonia..when i’m in fredonia it’s great…this past semester..i played music everyday, i got to be principal in 3 ensembles..i played in a kick ass quintet..i gave my senior recital..and i got to play a concerto with the wind ensemble.  My whole life is music there.  Then i come home..have my Mom die..don’t touch my instrument for 2 months for one reason or another..it’s usually something different everyday..and i go to work at a restaurant for crap money…..no music…yippee.. This is how I know I have to be doing something I absolutely love for a career..i’ll hate my life if I don’t.

I just want to play music…..teach lessons…i’m not a bad musician..i would understand if i sucked or something..but I don’t… I would be happy having another job and just even having a few private students a week..something to look forward to..I need something to look forward to in my life…It feels like there’s nothing good left about it.

sorry this entry is just me complaining….its just like word vomit once i get going…

time to go get ready for work……………kill me………