confused…

So ive been feeling pretty confused about some things lately.

1. im not really sure what i want to do when i get out of fredonia. I have to pick what i want to do in grad school (performance//education). Honestly, if i could i would just play, i wouldnt teach. But..i have to be realistic. I don’t know if i would get a good job somewhere playing. I dont think that i COULDNT do it…i just think it would be very hard. Im not sure i really want to teach…..i think thats the first time ive actually said that. My methods classes here are really making me think twice. But i also talked to dan briefly..who told me that methods here is nothing like the real world. Which could be good or bad…meaning its better..or worse. I just don’t know if i could deal w/ being a public school teacher. I STILL can’t picture myself being one. Ive never really been able to. Im starting to think that this whole personality struggle is not going to get better. Granted, i am not the same person i was when i first came to fredonia, but i also still don’t think im open enough to teach. That sounds weird..but i kind of believe the fact that teaching is not for everyone. I know ive had teachers who i say “theyre a bad teacher” and i dont want to be one of those ya kno? But also..i know myself..and that i only get better at things with experience, which i don’t really have yet as far as teaching goes. so…basically im just confused….

2. boys….i dont know what i want…sometimes i feel like i really wish i were dating someone…and other times i dont. i feel like ive been single for so long. Ive had interests along the way in boys..but they never amount to anything. speaking of boys that dont amount to anything…..kateybeth saw jon at her work like last week (tullys) she said “ur jon, right?” to him….(theyve definitely met..i brought him to her house with me one night) and hes like “yeah”.. wouldnt even look at her…just further proving my point of how big of an ASS HOLE he is.:) but anyway…i feel like everytime i like a boy..it never goes any further than them wanting a piece of ass from me. I dont understanddddd..what it is about me, that makes them ONLY go for me physically, whats wrongggg with the rest of me…thats all they want from me…and i have to be careful, because im naive when it comes to boys..i believe them too easily. But then again…if i get a boy who really ISNT after just sex, i wouldnt know probly..because id be too hung up on not trusting him yet…and then he’d get mad because i dont trust him..but trust should be earned….so i dont understand how he could get mad..ive gone off on a rant. I think im becoming slightly jaded..never good..but..what am i spossed to do..i speak from experience.

idk….leave love:~/