@!#$@!#%$&*

thats how im feeling right now…@!#@$#@%@ i just suck at clarinet lately…everytime i practice, is bad, which makes me not want to practice. I feel like ive hit another wall….i remember this happeneing last year right around the same time. except this year, i have my recital..so i dont have time for this:( last time this happened..everyone kept telling me it will get better..that i was just on a plateu…and when you plateu usually it means something in your playing is about to change. So around now last year, i was feeling the same way..and then over the summer i felt like i really jumped and i saw a pretty big improvement in myself. I just don’t have the patience to deal with thisssssssss..ughhhhhh.. I hate going to practice when i get like this because i know its just going to be bad, and i’ll probly end up crying half way through my practice session and have to stop anyway. Then i feel like im just copping out..and giving up so i feel worse about myself…but on the other hand, its almost pointless for me to practice when i get so frustrated…because nothing is improving..and im just getting angrier.. i just dont have time for this right now:( my recital is in less than two months….i feel like every piece on my recital…used to sound better than it does now..idk what to do..i could just need a break from it all…but then i worry that if i stop working on it, its going to get worse. gidojhgiodjgfdz!!

I was supposed to be auditioning for AWSO (American Wind Symphony Orchestra…summer playing thing..for a couple months..a tour) but the guy got stuck in ice or something..so its moved to next weekend. I dont even know why im auditioning..its almost pointless because…well..first the tour started april 25…which is ridic because no ones out of school yet…so i just said..ok i guess i cant do it. Then the guy decided he would let people come late when they got out of school, so i said sweet, im gonna go for it…then..i realized i have to stay here til may 25 for my brothers wedding……and if i made it, i dont know if that would be ok, or if he would say..nope..thats too late..which is a good possibility…so basically this is pointless….

last…

I dont remember if i wrote about it in my last entry or not…o well..i dont feel like checking…so anyway.. I found this piece i wanted to do for our concerto competition here, so i asked my teacher and he said he liked the piece…but wasnt sure if it was a good one for competition…:( so i asked my band director (since shes on the commitee of deciding who wins) and she said the same thing:( but she also said..that if i like it to go for it. im torn….i dont want to do a piece that i know wont win…but i also dont want to do a piece i dont like. its not a sure thing that it wouldnt win….but…idk..it makes me uneasy. It sucks….she said “its part of the game”…finding a piece that the commitee will like…its not fair..

so basically im in a bad mood….>:~(