Grief *Two Years Later

What am I doing? What’s the right direction to turn? Life without you is not what it’s all cracked up to be. The pain is just simmering there, It has no outlet, nowhere to go. I thought I was fine. I thought I worked through the grief but as I sit here feeling like I can’t keep my head above water all I want is you. I want your warmth, your smile, your love. I miss the comfort. I miss the feeling of being invincible in your eyes. I could do it with you as my cheerleader. I could make it happen with your support. I could do anything. You made me feel like I was powerful. I could conquer anything because you made me believe that I could. Now you’re gone and it’s been almost two years and I thought I was fine. I thought it was okay but it’s not. Everything lately just reminds me of you. I see you when I close my eyes. I cry when someone reminds me of you. I thought I was dealing with it better. I thought  that I was okay. I thought my misery was slowly dissipating but it wasn’t. It was brewing and I kept turning the heat down thinking it wouldn’t boil over. Here I am though, wondering what my next step is… Am I making mistake after mistake…. Simple answer is yes. I think that if I don’t see it then it’s not there but that can’t be further from the truth. The truth is I am filling this emptiness with frivolous things. Things I don’t really want or sometimes can’t even afford and I am putting myself in compromised positions. I want to break apart but this time I don’t know how to put the pieces back together. I’m sabotaging myself. I’m scared and alone and have been crying out for help but no one hears me. No one recognizes the pain behind these blue eyes. No one hears the sobs building up in the back of my throat. No one sees the fists that just want to start swinging. You left and my world crumbled. I just want to hear your voice one more time. I just want you to tell me everything will be okay. I just need you to help me because I don’t know if I can save myself this time. I am tired of being the rock. I am tired of keeping it all together. I couldn’t handle the pain of walking up to your house anymore and not seeing you smoking on your porch. I couldn’t handle the pain of this family falling apart. I don’t want to take care of my dad. I don’t want to tell my sisters everything is fine. I don’t want to take care of a man that was supposed to be my husband, my partner. I don’t want to do any of it. I’ve been fighting just to make my kids happy. The misery is back and I don’t know if I can push it away again. The heaviness that sits on my shoulders is taking my life source away. How much longer can I hold this weight before I collapse? How much longer……