such a strong word. eleven. + uncertainty.
Why do the WoW realms all have to be down on my only day off? Not fair, I tell you! There are so many things I want to do. ACHIEVEMENTS, GAH! Ok, really… I’ll stop being such a dork now…
So, things with my parents. They’re awful. I mean, honestly awful. The way they treat me has gotten so bad that, at times, I really want to just leave and never come back–never see them again. They’re my family, and I suppose a part of me will always love them, but I hate being here and I hate the way they have been acting and treating me lately. I am not sure what to do about anything. I could go on and on about the things that they do, but I think I’ve been there before. Let’s just say that everyday, I dread the time when either I or they come home from work and I have to see them.
I’m stressed because of that, and because I’m afraid that I’m only making this choice to move in with Matt because I need to get out of here. But then, even if I am, what choice do I have? I have to get out of here. I am on my way down the depression road again. The whole reason I was there before was them. I need to get away from here and get my perspective straight again. And be happy again. And Matt makes me happy.
Except… this whole "for the rest of our lives" thing is a little too much. And there’s something else I need to write about in that regard, but it’ll have to wait. I’m being summoned for dinner by The Hated Ones.
The rest:
I don’t know how to assess how I feel. When Matt and I started talking, I was happy. I didn’t hate being here. Things in my life were good. I wasn’t putting pressure on myself to "figure everything out" and I could just be "me." Now, my parents won’t let me be me and to do that, I’m moving in with Matt. Which I thought I was happy about, but some days I can’t even stomach being an "us." I am NOT ready to commit the rest of my life to someone else.
I am so afraid that I am doing this for the wrong reasons. Sometimes, I don’t even want to talk to him about anything anymore. I used to feel like he was the only one who really understood me, and now sometimes I am back to feeling like no one does. This is ridiculous, because who really does understand me anyway? But still… some days I love him more than anything and can’t wait to build a life with him. And some days I just feel so desperate to get out of here and do something that I’ll tell myself whatever to have some freedom.
That’s the whole problem, I think–freedom. I’ve lived most of my life without it and now I’m trapped here again. I’m trapped with no control, no choices, and no freedom. I want to move in with Matt because I love him and because I want to get out from under this awful treatment, but the problem with that is: Where’s the freedom? Once I move in with Matt and he’s there everyday, all the time, talking about getting married and having babies, and I can’t breathe, then what? Then where am I? I’m suffocated by someone and something else. It’s a new kind of trapped.
I don’t want that. But I don’t want to lose him. I don’t want to lose me either. I don’t want to always be "us." I want to be me too.
Does this make any sense?
What I’m trying to say is that I want the freedom to be who I am and to make my own choices and to live my life for me and not for what someone else wants.
That’s what I thought I was doing by coming here and quitting school. And then things got worse and worse (which I knew would come eventually, because it’s my parents, but didn’t think it would be this soon), and before you know it, I’m hating my life and resenting everyone who has an ounce of control over me. I want Matt to be in my life because I love him, but I don’t want my life to be all about him. I have things to do and places to go. Things I need to see and learn before I can commit my life to someone else. It’s just all too much. I’m not ready for this.
But at the same time, I got myself into this mess. I told him that I loved him and that (eventually) I wanted to spend my life with him. And I’ve got to get out of here. What choice do I have? Break his heart and stay here and miserable? Or go with him and give up my freedom once again to someone else? I can’t seem to find a middle ground. And I can’t bring myself to talk to him about it because I know that I can’t be anything but blunt and the last thing I want to do is break his heart. He loves me unconditionally. And while it’s what most girls dream about, I’m not sure if I can handle it.