Tired

My mother-in-law had surgery today. They found colon cancer a few months back and removed it, but they wanted to make sure it was all out. Since we have a daughter, I let him do the hospital thing and picked her up from school and took her to soccer practice. It was nice to watch since I’m normally working at that time but I feel weird not being there to at least say hi to her. Oh well. It is what it is.

I got some writing done while I waited to pick her up. I took an involuntary break from that recently and messed up the business that I did a great job building. Of course, it was because I am currently required to work two jobs and I wanted one from home so I’d be present and I still need it. Anyway, I lost some clients over my error but I was okay with that since I was treating the second job like a first. I still have a couple regulars that are amazing and I could just work for them and try to fit in work and the daily grind. Hubby is partially disabled and I pick up a lot of the daughter duties for him as a result and the combination led to a breakdown.

I have BPD so the pressure isn’t great for me. I hate myself a lot as it is with the thoughts and adding so much expectations to my life imploded on me. i was shocked when one of the clients that I disappointed contacted me today about working with her on shorter projects. It wasn’t just that she paid well but she helped me to learn a lot. She wanted me to do other things in her business and it seemed like it could become a full-time gig at some point. I thanked her and accepted the offer while being very upfront about how busy the day job is going to get soon and that I might need some extra time. That is my rule now because most clients are very nice about it and if they aren’t, at least they know the truth and that I tried.

I feel like I rebuilt something that I ruined in far less time than expected. I was worried about my rating on the site that I work on and a few bad reviews because I am so hard on myself. I make it everything instead of just one aspect of my life. It doesn’t matter. I am getting endless invites now that I am going to start having to say no to so I can keep my sanity. I am fine and I will make the money that I need.

I’ll be just fine.