Time Passes

I remember being so happy that this site was back up. I was going to come here and log my feelings that I bury deep down and get through my days. I am just so bad at that.

Things are collapsing around me. I have been working so hard for the last four or so years, working at my county gig as well as writing. I’ve done that through mental health issues of my own and of my family. I have hit some massive roadblocks along the way as I wait for disability to come through. I have been reminded lately that I should never depend on anything, including that. But is it wrong to have hope as I play the role of Superwoman day after day?

Maybe it is.

They want him to basically start the disability process over with all of the paperwork. This is stuff that has been filled out before. The office made a few mistakes along the way and this is how they are trying to fix it so they don’t have to take the blame. This was a major hit for me and I crumbled. I don’t like being unstable and I would almost rather them just say no.

However, in the middle of all of that my normally low key day job has been anything but that. We are always busy in December and April for tax season. That’s the norm and I arrange my writing job around it, knowing that my income will be a bit less at that time. This season never stopped. Since December, we have been slammed with work, being shorthanded due to funerals/health conditions/illness and it has killed us. We also got new machines and software just after the busy season and have been training on them with way less hands than normal. We lost one boss and got another, though the former is still the head supervisor of the office so that works well.

I have been the easygoing worker through this. I helped my boss in the training that she was struggling through so she would not have to deal with the stress of the others. Change is hard on the people that I work with. I stayed late with her and helped as needed. I just want things to run smoothly. But they were anything but. One coworker needs to consider her health issues and whether or not she should be working. I am compassionate to a fault but they are affecting morale at this point and everyone is miserable. We are covering for her when she is gone much of the time as well as the time she is working. I can’t tell you how negative the space has become and that is never something that I have experienced there this long before.

My writing suffered. The jobs I had suffered greatly as did my reputation in the business. It takes a lot of energy to write books for clients no matter how much I love it. I made less and lost clients. I felt horrible for all of that but just kept pushing through to a better day. I am back to writing now for the most part and I made a big move with that. I rent space at a co-working facility where I can go and JUST write. Doing it from home wasn’t working anymore for me with distractions and stress. My taxes were a mess anyway. I pay monthly to hit it up a couple times a week if at all possible and get four to five hours work in, increasing productivity and my own happiness for some alone time. However, it is still working two jobs and I’m tired.

Somewhere in the past few months, I got behind on all of the bills. I was just in the process of contacting the bank to tell them I was going to catch up on this poor house. The house that needs work but is home to my family and our cats. I was good but they went into the second foreclosure in that period of days.

I feel like an utter failure, despite the fact I have been doing my best. I got through this before and they helped me and I can do it again. Things haven’t changed all that much in retrospect. I am just so tired. I spoke with my family about it because in the past, they would help. My mom is judgy by nature and she is so disappointed in me. She will help if I give her basic control to my finances so she could nitpick everything and make me feel that much worse about this. I’m 46 and have been keeping my family afloat for a few years now. I am not perfect and I spend money where I shouldn’t. I admit that. But I am raising a teenager and supporting a husband and my pets. We eat and have something of a life.

I told her no. I told her that it was the same with the bank and I’d rather try that process first. I wanted someone to help ME for a change. I am writing again and can hold it together from here. Don’t people have to fall to struggle to get back up? She and I aren’t discussing it and I respect her position as well as mine. I know that we can be civil in a sociable setting and that’s okay with me since I have NEVER been all that close to her to begin with.

I know that she is upset with my husband. I know that she thinks I should kick him to the curb but he isn’t an awful person. He could do more but he is the father to my daughter. He is there for me to put in these long work hours that feel like they’re slowly killing me. I got the impression that she was done helping me if he were still here a while ago and it seems to be true. Yet she tells me that my older brother is struggling because they take back child support for the daughter he abandoned years ago. I don’t get it.

I know I need to get my shit together. I have some of the paperwork and need to fill out more. I know all too well that this being a second time is going to work against us and I am so scared. My head has been aching over it for a week now and my stomach is constantly in knots.

Either way, I am taking my family to the coast for a tiny trip in just over a week. We need that because we do nothing. I need to clear my head and figure things out so I can move forward.

On the flip side, I am volunteering with an amazing freelance group and that makes me happy. They respect my work and the fact that I am a writer like nobody else. I still love writing and know it is the answer to everything. I still have a small part of me that believes in miracles and the Universe taking care of me. It would just be nice if my family could be there.

For reference purposes, the last time we went through this was four years ago. I have been working my ass off for four years to stay above water, losing sleep and time with my family. I think that is pretty impressive.