So Final

I found out that my mom is dying about a month ago. She beat lung cancer a couple of years ago and it came back. She chose hospice this time around and I respect that.

We haven’t ever had a good close relationship. She was pretty awful and often cruel to me when I was a kid. I blocked out more stuff than I remember. Even now, I’d call it low contact though I have been to visit her a few times. I’m dealing with a whole host of mental illnesses from childhood and things that happened afterward.

It’s crazy the emotions you go through upon learning that. There’s been anger, great sadness at losing what I feel like I never had, and a lot of numbness. I have been in a fog so much over the last few weeks. I have been working but not mentally there. My freelance writing has gone to shit and I lost a few great clients in the process of this grieving. I just chalk it up to needing a break of life happening, or whatever.

I am looking for new clients now and doing better at the office. I think I am accepting it as something that will happen no matter what, but that feels so cold to me. Life is still so full of stress for me from things that were already there.

I’ll be writing about this a lot in the next few weeks. I’ve been so tired…