Shit is real now

And just like that, reality came crashing around me.

My mom was doing okay until this weekend, all things considered. She was getting around and going downstairs for meals. She lives in one of those fancy apartment complexes for seniors where everything is provided in the rent. It’s been a great place for her until now.

This weekend, she began to decline. She’s too weak to really get up anymore. She lives in a chair in the living room and I know that she hates it. My mother was an active woman prior to cancer a few years back, putting me to shame with the amount of exercise that she did. She was social and did so many things with friends. Granted, she is still a narcissist and didn’t do so great as a mother, but she had a good life and for that, I am grateful.

I went there this morning at the urging of my sister and she was almost like a different person. Her body is just too weak now and her dignity is all but gone. Cancer sucks. We spoke to the hospice nurse and she told us that someone should be with her at all times. My sister, my mother’s best friend and I are working out a schedule so she’ll always have company. Tomorrow, I arrive at nine and stay the night with her to just keep an eye on things. Of course, I told my job what was happening immediately and they’re giving me time off as needed. I have worked there for twenty years, so what else could they do?

I get paid there no matter what happens. I am also trying to keep up with my freelance writing along the way for some more income, but that’s going to be tough. My mind isn’t completely here but I a being offered a lot of great jobs right now. I don’t want to miss out. I have been building that business since 2015 and I’m impressed with myself for the most part. It’s the job that I want to work full-time someday. I will drag my laptop with me everywhere that I go and work as I can, especially since I don’t particularly feel like sleeping.

I came home to my hungry daughter and sleeping husband, who was then nothing but a jerk to me. He stomped off to bed as he was on the couch and daughter made some food and she’s in bed now. She’s been so busy lately. I am going to miss her tons but from what I gather, the decline with cancer is a rapid one and this won’t be a long process. I was hoping for a little kindness from him but he was texting me throughout the day. Sighs. My mom just wants her kids around her right now and not much else or anyone else. I have to do that and they need to understand that.

This might be the straw that broke the camel’s back for me. Who knows? There’s more about that in previous entries, if you’re curious. Lots more.

I am not cut out for any of this, you guys. I thought hospice was around a lot more, handling things. My mom could hire someone to help, but she won’t and I have to respect that. At least, we’re taking turns.

I just hope that she falls asleep and that is it. I don’t want to see her suffer.