insomnia

I am lying here completely unable to sleep with an alarm going off in a matter of hours. It’s been a long weekend… week… year.

My husband has been sick for a couple of weeks in addition to dealing with chronic pain on a daily basis. That’s hard in itself but then my daughter got pretty sick a week ago. This is a kid who rests for one day when she’s normally down for a day and bouncing around the house soon after. Not this time. She was down for a week.

Then I got sick quite suddenly Thursday night. It kicked my ass and I missed work on Friday and couldn’t leave the house until today. I was so unproductive all weekend. That meant that I was spending far too much time on social media out of boredom,  which messes with my mental state a lot. I start to feel jealous of people who seems to have perfect lives and  only display that part. I know it’s all bullshit deep down but it’s hard when I’m feeling vulnerable. I’d joined a chat room through a new group I joined and tried to interact with people in there.

I realized that I don’t like chat rooms. I don’t know if it’s from past experiences with people in them or just overwhelming but I bailed on it. I just can’t. I can’t keep up and I never know what to say. I’ve had some serious issues in the past with it and been hurt. I’ve learned not to trust and I didn’t want to set myself up for a fall. I’m glad I made the decision. I’ve screwed up in the past with that when I was mentally unwell and I never want that to happen again.

So, I’ll be tired tomorrow. But I’ll be back to normal. I still need to find some clients to write for but I know it’ll happen. I’m ready because I miss the stories and the escape of it all. I just want some balance and calm because I’ve been going insane with all of this stuff I’ve been dealing with.