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I am so glad to be back here. I realized that I missed this platform over the last few weeks. While I liked Livejournal and met a lot of great people there, OD was the original place for me.

I have a friend that quit Facebook for a while. I have had a love/hate relationship with it for years and thought about taking a break from it for the last two weeks. When I am down mentally, it screws with my head. When I see things as being bad, everyone else had amazing lives doing things that I can’t and might never get to. I like keeping up with a few friends and relatives and I will check in but I do not like checking it when I am manic and think I need a distraction. I want to focus on writing and experiences and improving my life. Maybe I will have great things to post later on like I used to. Facebook makes me resent the changes in my life now and the lack of joy that is in it.

I don’t want to try and help everyone there through their problems either. I don’t mind a chat in messenger but seeing what others are going through on a daily basis is hard for me. I am a fixer by nature. I want to save everyone else even as I am giving up on myself. I talk myself into the fact that my problems aren’t as bad as theirs are and that I’m beyond hope. I hate myself that much more.

BPD is ugly. It makes me feel absent a lot of the time and restless. I want to find things that help me rather than make the darkness worse. I want to read and listen to books, podcasts and music. Those things make me feel better, not getting caught up in the lives that people put out there on social media. So, I disabled Facebook on my phone today. I just need a break.

I lost a client yesterday. He didn’t like what I wrote and while that happens sometimes, I always sulk for a day or so afterward. It hits every insecurity I have as a writer and a person, but I am so much better than I was before about it. Today, I started working for a beloved client of mine that sings my praises every day and I knew that I was back in the game. When I took K to see her cousin play basketball, I got an offer from a new client that was pretty good. He is going to give me creative freedom and let me do my thing. The former client was strict about an outline and I don’t do well with those. I feel like I can’t go with my mind and make a big chapter out of a paragraph. I feel like I ramble and in this case, apparently I did. I know there were great parts of the book as well but I am free to use them for my portfolio now.

I need to write. It is my therapy and escape from the things that aren’t so good in my life. I need it like I need to breathe and I know deep down that it is my calling in life. I just need to get over some hurdles and go for my dreams… get out of this dark place that I seem to be living in. I am glad to have somewhere like this where I can write honestly, something I could never do on Facebook. Family reads it and I keep a lot to myself. I always have there.

Thanks for listening.