Faceplant

You guys… I am so wiped out.

My whole house was sick on and off for the last six weeks or so with this terrible virus. When my daughter gets sick, you know it’s bad because she never does. She also has a bit of insomnia at the moment. Like mother, like daughter! I hate seeing her fall asleep so late when she has school plus she gets up with me. That is bad for a few reasons. I get up for work at five and while I can function on broken sleep, I don’t prefer it. I write at night and the house being quiet is wonderful for that. When she gets up, I tend to go up to her room and talk to her until she’s tired and I rarely bounce back and work after that moment. My husband is disabled and sick so he sleeps more than any of us in the house. I want that for him but it wears me out to be the one to handle stuff most of the time on his bad days. Yes, I sound like a bitch. I know this. I get very bitchy at times about things.

I am back to writing full-time again. I totally messed up by taking the break but it was necessary at the time. I have had to scramble for a few new clients and jump through hoops, so I am working for a new guy. I got some of the older ones back easily and I will start to have money coming in soon. I need it. I am feeling a little broken with the money thing. When I filed for bankruptcy a few years ago after running up credit cards to survive, I did so with the knowledge that the disability would be coming through. When we had to do a loan modification to save our house, I thought the same thing. That has been my driving force for the past six years but it seems further away every time a new year starts. They have denied him in horrible ways and even dropped him from the system completely.I worked hard at my two jobs for three years, but it went to extremely basic things for my daughter as well as bills. I was ahead of the game for a while.

Depression is an ugly truth and mixed with BPD, it is even worse. I’d have these cycles of up and down that were mostly controllable but then sometimes they weren’t. I had one of those most of last year and now I am a couple months behind on the house and completely blowing off the small but impossible credit card debt that we racked up trying to survive like before. I am going to work as hard as I can to catch up but I’m mentally drained with no end in sight. I am starting to lose focus of my original goals and lose hope in ever achieving them. With my father-in-law being so sick with the flu and pneumonia as of late, the money has been put on the back burner. I understand but I don’t.

I could ask my mom for help again. She is already buying me a used car since mine is getting so high in miles already. She’s not keen on helping us when it appears as though he isn’t trying to help us as a family. What do I do about that? If I could get caught up on the house, that would be huge. She always has to start judging me for anything that I’ve spent. I know that I am no saint in any way and that I’ve completely messed things up in my own way but I’m trying. I am trying every day when sometimes I don’t even want to get out of bed.

What direction would you take if you were me?