predictable

I get bored by things. People want to comment on how smart, resourceful, dedicated and motivated i am. How I’m better than this, wasting myself, certain to succeed at anything i try. It’s impossible to explain to them why i can’t do the other thing.

part of me wants to think that all my success is down to my current alarm clock. It actually wakes me up. Really, though, the trick is avoiding the sequence of thoughts which culminates in "ah, fuck it." and an immediate return to bed. It’s harder for me to justify that to myself when other people will be inconvenienced.

I live for others. My ideal task is helping others. Impressing them comes a close second. I don’t operate well in a vacuum. It all comes down to the idea that noone is intrinsically valuable. all meaningful evaluation is done by others, so everything which contributes to value must be overt and distinct from a base state of being.

all people live;
some people aren’t good;
ergo, being alive isn’t that awesome a thing, of itself.

nobody congratulates a person for having the usual number of limbs. nobody.