The End of an Era

“The hardest thing you will have to do in life is to let go of the people you may want to hold onto. Sometimes, you will have to settle for loving someone from a distance, and that is okay. Because if you cannot show up for another human being the way you know you should, if someone cannot love you the way you need to be loved right now, if circumstance or space or the messiness of life is getting in the way of giving your whole self and nothing less than that to another human being, then you have to be honest. Do not suffocate your love. Do not ignore the way someone makes you feel about yourself in order to keep them in your life, do not ask for something to be more than it can be right now. Instead, appreciate it for what it was, appreciate the lessons it grew within you, appreciate the beauty you were able to feel, and appreciate the htcatalog fact that in those ways, in those memories, it will be yours forever.”

November 6th, 2017 – December 10th, 2023

Those dates represent the beginning and end of my relationship with you. I feel nauseous. I feel like I can’t breathe. My head is pounding and my heart feels like it’s going to burst. I can’t sleep. I feel cold without you next to me. But I broke up with you. Why? I betrayed you. I disrespected you. I haven’t loved you the way I used to for too long. I gave up and I will always hate myself for it. You weren’t perfect either. You kicked me out multiple times. You would never hit me but I was scared seeing you punch that wall as hard as you did when we argued. You didn’t prioritize me or care to please me sexually. But you made me laugh and smile. We created so many wonderful memories and planned for even more beautiful ones. I was supposed to be your future wife and the mother of your children. I broke up with you because of my guilt. Also because we both deserve more. I felt like dying seeing you cry. I still feel like dying. Not in a “I don’t want to live anymore” kind of way but in a “I don’t want to continue experiencing these feelings” way. I lay here thinking about how you’re feeling. I moved back in with my dad. God, the look on your face when I told you how I’ve been feeling. You looked so defeated. Selfishly, I’d rather you cry because I told you I don’t feel the same for you than you cry because I was intimate with someone else. You would hate me. I wouldn’t be able to live knowing you hate me. This was the only way I could let you go so you can live your life to the fullest. You will make a great husband and father one day. I really missed out on you huh? I am sorry I wasn’t strong enough to stand by your side. I am sorry for everything.