Surrounded by many but still alone
I have a huge support system and I’m so lucky for that. So why do I feel so alone? I feel this emptiness in my heart and it’s so hard to ignore. Sometimes I feel like giving up. I would never openly admit that in real life but I think about it a lot more than I should. I joke about it because if I don’t, I’m afraid I’ll see it as more than that, a joke. I feel so much anxiety all the time. It feels like I can’t breathe. It’s easy during the day when I’m around people but once I’m laying alone in bed or driving alone in the morning…I get flooded with these thoughts. I self sabotage. I do a lot of things that I know are not good for me. I do it either way because I want to feel some happiness even it’s for a few moments. I lost my sparkle. It doesn’t show because I hide it well. But I feel it gone. I don’t know what to do. All I can do is fake it. Nobody will ever know. Maybe if I pretend to be happy, I eventually will?
Your words could be mine. I’ve came to embrace what I’ve labeled as the “9 p.m. Meltdown”. Knowing that with the darkness and silence will come the thoughts, pain, anxieties. I’m sorry you feel it too. I had the theory once, “fake it til you make it”. I’ll save you weeks, months and years of wasting time with fakeness – it doesn’t help. The darkness still comes. However, I do recommend therapy. It’s the only brief light that talks me out of the darkest thoughts. She says “you’ll never heal if you don’t let yourself feel”. So, I quit faking it and cry a lot… but hey, hopefully that’s healing. (It has. Maybe. A little.) Thinking of you.
Warning Comment