Guilt

I have been alone in this room for about 2 hours now. All of my thoughts have been creeping in one by one. I tried to sleep it off but I couldn’t. I can’t run from them and there’s nothing or anyone around me to distract me from them. My anxiety is at an all time high. These thoughts have always been there but because my life has been moving so fast recently, they couldn’t cripple me the way it is now. I find excuses everyday to justify my actions.

“It just happened”

“This is going to be the last time”

“But he did this to me”

“It could be worse”

Sure, these excuses alleviate the deep guilt I feel for a while but now that I’m alone, and forced to feel everything…all I can think about is what I’ve done. My whole life, I’ve despised people that cheat on their significant other. I judged and resented my own mother for what she did. Yet, I committed the very act that I swore I would NEVER do. What a fucking hypocrite. My father had this annoying habit of comparing me to my mother. Of course, it was never a thing to be proud of. I hated him for it. I hated him for comparing me to someone who could do that. Well damn, in the end…he was right. The apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree, right? I know there’s no point in feeling sorry for myself because life has to move on. But how do I move on? I’ve tried and I keep circling back to the same situations. Why? I don’t like to live life in regret because I know everything happens for a reason but this guilt…it’s killing me. No matter what I do, someone is going to get hurt. Myself included. But does it matter? I’m already hurting.