Always the bridesmaid, never the bride

Today we celebrate 6 years together as a couple. 6 years. I met him when I was 17 and we began dating when I was 18. I am now 24 years old. What I’m feeling right now is foreign to me. I love him but part of me yearns for something else. Am I going through a crisis? He’s a good man: strong, smart, funny (when he wants to be), kind, handsome, responsible, and many other things. Why do I feel like this. I always insisted that he was the one for me. One year ago today, I was sure he was the person I wanted to marry and have a family with. Now, I don’t know what I want. What makes this especially hard is that he is truly a good man and there is nothing particularly wrong. Sure, we fight but we both are guilty of causing harm. Am I the problem? No, problem is not the right word. Am I the one who changed? There was a time where all I wanted was for him to propose to me and make me his wife and mother of his children. Did I give up? During the past 2 years, I’ve been seeing people the same age as me, getting engaged and starting families with their significant other. But, they haven’t been together half as long as we have. So when was it my turn? I want to be the girl who gets flowers. I want to be the girl that he can’t take his eyes off. I want to be the girl who he shows off. I want to be the girl he can’t wait to marry. Instead, I’m the girl who nags. I’m the girl who can’t cook. I’m the girl who doesn’t dress sexy enough. I’m the girl who is too loud. I’m the girl who needs to wait another year. Yes this is all very dramatic of me and as I’m typing this, I feel the need to acknowledge and apologize for that. Why? Because I always have been the “dramatic” one and that’s not okay or acceptable. It’s not okay for me to voice how I feel.

But there’s history. I remember the butterflies and the blood rushing to my cheeks when he looked at me. I remember the laughs and moments where the whole world stopped when it was just us. I remember the thrill of making love to him. And when I look in his eyes, I still see and feel that for a moment. I have done things that I’m not proud of. There’s someone who entered my life that changed everything. He is kind, and tells me I’m beautiful. His touch gives me chills. His gaze feels like serenity. He listens to me. He lifts me up when I’m down. I have never truly felt ugly or annoying around him. I have done things I’m not proud of. I have allowed, invited, and searched for things that I shouldn’t. I feel the guilt everyday yet I can’t help but want more? What’s wrong with me. Can you love two people at once? Do I even love myself? These are the questions I ask myself everyday.

6 years. Maybe I turned into the girl who doesn’t deserve everything I’ve been yearning for.