If It Be Your Will

I’ve always been in love with you.

I took a really long shower tonight. I was cold, and it felt good. I ran the water until my fingertips got gooey, my toes went numb, and my water heater was sick of my shit.

This day feels like it has gone on forever. It didn’t go exactly as I had planned. My employee called me in to work because he hurt his shoulder. It was only 2 and half hours but felt like a lifetime. I’m getting complacent there again. I have this impending promotion lingering over my head, and yet it is just. out. of. my. reach.

Went out to dinner with Mike and a few of his friends, then dropped him off at the bar to mingle with some old high school friends. I couldn’t pretend to care. I needed some alone time, and I’m glad I took the opportunity instead of putting on a smile and making small talk with a bunch of people I couldn’t give two shits about. I hate small talk. Large talk too, really. I get high anxiety when I travel for work because who the hell knows who I’ll get stuck by on the plane.

Instead, I’m here. Listening to music (I have a really bomb ass playlist, albeit a little thought provoking) and still forcing myself to be ok with writing again. I have to remember that I can’t be afraid of my words. I once said I would write for me, and whether my words fell on deaf ears or annoyed the fuck out of someone I care about, they are still my words. My thoughts, and maybe even a bit of truth. I also decided to not fulfill my sober cab duties to stay home and drink. I must evaluate that. Perhaps I have an issue?

I stumbled across some pictures I took awhile ago. Awhile ago? Fuck, let’s be honest…..um, almost 5 years ago. Where did I go? Where did the woman you used to love and fantasize about go? Where did the woman that was comfortable with her body and sexuality go?

Meh.

I’m sad because things have changed. I’m sad because they’ve stayed the same. I wonder where all my readers went. Their diaries, mostly gone, some forgotten. One unreachable. I wish they’d come back to share the way we were. Instead I reach out and try to gain some semblance of community again. Unbiased reaction to a biased world. I need it right now. I think I’ve almost forgotten how much I love this.

Do you think it’s dead??? ~Rocco

I think I covered about everything I needed to, save for a couple things that will have to go unsaid. It’s 12:30am and the rest of the world is ablaze with fire, glory, love, passion, fucking, hating, sickness, pleasure, blood, love, love, love. I’m alive and ablaze as well. Perhaps only with a mug of some knock off Bailey’s and an internet connection, but alive nonetheless.

Goodnight old friend. See you soon.

http://www.youtube.com/watch