I met a boy who lights my cigarettes…

Not lights them in a sense of ‘Oh, you have a cigarette in your mouth, let me get that’, but more of a ‘Let me light this and give it to you, and then I’ll light mine…’. It matters because his scent is on that first drag and lingers, then fades away….but the sentiment is still there.

My Dad used to do that for my Mom. And it makes me sad to think about now. When it happened the memory came flooding back and my only words were "My Dad used to do that for my Mom’. Someday I’d like to elaborate, but for now it seems I can only force out simple sentences because you make me ooey gooey and unable to form thoughts that go beyond that.

But I digress.

I look back at it now and I think that was the only affection I saw between them. My parents never fought, outwardly save for the once…………but that is another story. I appreciated that if they had fowl words for each other they kept them behind locked doors and didn’t let us girls see them, but in the end, what did it matter? Yes, I appreciated that my parents never fought in front of me….but I guess I also resented that there was no emotion shown…

Like the way they MUST love each other? I guess I think it had to be there. They made it 41 years before her death and I can’t even get through seven, so that has to amount to something. I know I have a different take though. If two people are in love I don’t have a problem with them showing the rest of the world….I mean, you don’t need to be making out in public…but a kiss or a bite here and there is endearing, and it makes me smile. And it is absolutely what I want. I am not shy about PDA’s….not because they are public, but really because they are private. If I am with you and want to hold your hand, kiss your lips, bite your neck…sit on the same side of the booth with you…., I’m not going to suppress that because there are people around. I might not wrap my hands around your cock because society tells me I shouldn’t….but I’ll whisper in your ear that it exactly what I want to do…

But I wonder where that comes from, because it certainly wasn’t handed down. If my parents even liked each other I didn’t know about it. I had a conversation with Mike tonight and he revealed (through a dinner a couple nights ago that I rejected the thought of) that my Mother had told my Father that a relationship with his daughters should be secondary to paying the bills and keeping a roof over our heads. I’ve never fallen so hard. It’s a crushing revelation that your Father chose never to have a relationship with you because your Mother essentially forbade it. I guess that is another therapy session in the making…and more than anything I’m pissed that he was able to tell the man I am divorcing over telling me….

I can only love like crazy, it’s the only way I know how and I lost that for a long while. I want to show the world how I feel and how I move…with you….I can’t hold anything back. I think about sitting on the same side of the booth and kind of smile to myself but also get sad. It was that day in a restaurant when I sat in a booth and Kevin didn’t sit beside me that I knew it was over. I got kind of a sideways smirk on my face and elected to sit at the bar so we could still be close even as our relationship faded. I knew it was over then, I knew it had been going that way for awhile and maybe we hadn’t been in public so I didn’t notice? Maybe it is the reason I never sat on the same side with Mike…always at the bar…or maybe because booths were hard for him, I’m not sure.

I have so many thoughts in my head right now, and certainly (and obviously) they are not coming out right. If you’ve read this far you know this story started with a boy….a fox….that lights my cigarettes, and above all else is the only thing on my mind. Someday I can tell you about him.