Fall Asleep Inside Me

If I beileved that one of these times I could fall forward instead of backwards, I think I’d honestly try.

Temptation has befallen my path many times, and I’ve not always done my best to stop it from happening. I can’t honestly say I know what would have happened, and many questions come with that (lack of) knowledge. Bitterness has sometimes clouded my judgement, bitterness for myself and the life that I once deamed unworthy. Why stop something that you don’t even think you’re good enough for? Why let sand slip through your fingers, if there is a possibility of never being able to touch it again?

It’s all things I thought about lying in bed, fingering the empty pillow case beside me, watching the clock approach 6:00am, and pass…then seven, then eight…nine, and finally ten. It was a conscious dream I never wanted to wake from, but more importantly, wanted to come true.

I understand that my ability to will things to happen has come and gone. All the luck in the world has finally let me rest, and no longer do things just ‘happen’ for me. Doesn’t mean I have to accept it. I have however learned to accept that these things can still happen, with a little work…and yet there my superego is, hiding beside me, waiting to sabotage it all. I don’t know that she does it on purpose, but it happens nonetheless, and I have no willpower to stop it. The turns in life it takes me to are inevitible, and perhaps the events that transpire around us have absolutely nothing to do with the choices we make. I’d like to think that we have an underlying reason…maybe doubt…dread…guilt…whatever it may be, for the excuses we use, the reasons we give.

That trembling below I’m afraid will never cease. But the means to control it isn’t far off. If I can tap into some sort of formula to subdue this ache, I can do anything. But in the meantime…the throb is there…and waxes and wanes with certain events, and of course life goes on without you around…

…but your shadow is always there.