There’s a disturbance in the force…

I’m debating on whether or not this should be a "friends only" entry.

I’m feeling sorta crazy.

I also feel GIGANTIC and eating is like the last thing I want to do.

No eating disorders please, keep moving along ya bitch.

I was binging on cola’s this weekend.

LIKE BINGE. Like 8 in a row non stop binging.

it was horrible.

I shouldn’t have done that.

but with each *pop* of the cap and the *fizz* of the carbonation something inside of me was calmed.

It made me sick and I felt really horrible.

I had a lot of bad dreams.

That is the end of that binge. I should not do it. anymore.

I was also very bad.

I ate ice cream.

For dinner.

On Saturday.

yeah, bad idea.

I shouldn’t be so crazy.

I also watched Advent Children which really makes me wish I still had the Final Fantasy that my brother let me borrow so I could finish playing it.

Alas, it will never be.

Good movie though. Gotta love Final Fantasy.

I don’t even want to talk about the gym right now. I know I need to go. I know I’m paying for it. I know I’ve only gone once this month and that’s not really acceptable. Ugh.

I almost feel like I’m crashing from a sugar high.

The Hot Russian bugged me all weekend. He really wants to hook up with me. I wish my boyfriend showed as much interest in me as he does… and the compliments … my god. If I didn’t know any better I’d think I was really amazing.

Well I’m just normal, thanks.

but he’s not. He’s damn gorgeous and reallly DAMN gorgeous.

*sigh*

And his penis was crooked. that’s awesome. I love the crooked peen.

Anyway, why am I talking about this?

I think I just need to get laid.

Baboo said he’d come over today, but I don’t think he will.

I really really want him there, I miss him.

I haven’t seen him for almost a week. I was a good girlfriend this weekend and I let him hang out with his "boys" and do whatever and that was that. I didn’t call him a lot or text him a lot and yeah, I think I did well.

but now I want him.

but a secret? A part of me just wants to be alone. I can masturbate and play video games and lay around naked in my room and not have to do anything (besides take care of my  kids).

If Baboo comes over I have to cook and be interesting and keep my clothes on (cuz i’m a giant whale and I don’t want him to see my stupid fat blubbery body) and we might have sex, but I’ll have to work for it almost and…

yeah.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

If I could have it my way I’d be pulled closed and kissed and touched like I meant something more than just the fact that my hole gets wet and you can put stuff in it (that was horrible and crude! ha ha)… cuz that’s how it was before. When I was slutty. I knew it was all about me spreading them and being good at it.

Blah.

I think I’m just feeling really disconnected from Baboo. It could be that we haven’t really been apart for this long in a while.

I need to reconnect and see him and not feel like a giant worthless dollop of daisy (ha ha, sorry, it just came out)… but really.

Right now I don’t feel good enough to be with anyone.

It’s this "cycle of depression" I manifest sometimes.

I’M NOT BI POLAR. ha ha.

Until a few hours from now after I get food in my body (I haven’t eaten more than half a brownie and some orange juice, so mega sugar rush and crash is occuring, but not the good kind of rush!) and then I’m happy and manic and writing about cucumbers talking to me in the form of Larry Boy cartoons and how I long for a slice of pizza with the cheese stretching long and a tall delicious mojito with lots of mint and lime and yeah… yeah… yeah…

Hey that cheered me up!

I really need to learn how to make mojitos at home. talk about drunk bomb.

did I mention I cleaned my house fairly well this weekend? I’d say 80% clean.

I rearranged my kids room and put the air conditioner in there. I need to get a screen on that window… it’s just not cool having the window like that. I might just go buy my own and take it out of my rent if he can’t give me one. I shoudl call my landlord.

stupid landlord sleeze.

I also got my livingroom in order. I hope to get my couch soon!

And I cleaned my bathroom and kitchen and most of my room.
I bought some 2 lb weights (I’m hardcore yo), but I lost one somehow… I’m not sure how… but I can’t find it.

I bet it’s under my bed.

I also think there is a portal to Narnia under my bed.

i’m gonna go do "work"…

I’ve put it off too long.