The Hard Part

I feel like I’m just floating along. It’s annoying me, to no end. I don’t do much, just sorta work and spend time with my son. There isn’t anything wrong with that, I suppose. I guess I feel kinda lonely. I think it’s a pattern. I’m sure if I look back I’ll see that I feel good, I start slipping down, then I get worse, hit rock bottom and shoot back up to feeling good again…. I hate this.

I guess it has to do with this dream I had last night. I dreamed about DG… I dreamed that Jonathon was older and we went to see him… and Jonathon confronted his father, but DG didn’t want to have anything to do with him still. So I exploded. I yelled and screamed all of the things I’m feeling now. I told him how much I loved our son and what a wonderful blessing he was in my life. I told him how I was glad I had chosen to keep him and that I loved him more than anything. I told him that I thought he was a worthless, no good, son of a bitch to abandon us and I hoped he was happy being alone, and being a loser who couldn’t take responsibility for his actions. I was so mad, I remember hitting him over and over and over again. And then DG told me he was sorry, and that he’d try harder. HA! Only in my dreams of course.

It really throws me off when I start thinking about him again. Damn it all. Why did I love him so much… why do I still feel this stirring inside of me sometimes… the remnants of the feelings I had for him. No matter how much I scour and clean, I just can’t get him out of my system. I was reading through my book of poems, and there are all these love poems I wrote for him. I’m not a fan of love poems, and yet, there I was, a writer of so many love poems, it just gives me a toothache reading them. I remember making a book of all the poems I had written for him on our 6 month anniversary… waste of my time. Love, and sweet sugary krap… I can’t stand it.

“…No other bliss is like his kiss…”

KRAPOLA… STUPID EXTREME BULL HONKEY KRAP!!!!!! A WHOLE FREAKIN TRUCK LOAD OF STEAMING, STINKING, KRAP!!!! (that mental picture is more than enough to suffice, don’t you think?)

“…Let your voice caress me…” SHIT! JUST SHIT… STUPID RETARDED BLIND IN LOVE EXTREMELY IDIOTIC MUSHY GUSHY, HI I’M A LOSER, WANNA CRUSH MY HEART NOW? FLAT OUT DISGUSTING SHIT!!!!!!

“…he brings me so much peace…” LIAR.

I had another poem, I wrote before I even met him. It seems to sum up every single relationship I’ve ever been in. And so, I write it here to reinforce my resolve to NOT miss being in a relationship, to NOT miss having someone need me, to NOT miss loving someone the way I have, and most importantly, to NOT miss hurting like hell.

Lies

You said that you loved me.

But that was all a lie.

You told me you’d never leave me.

And just now you said bye.

I am so confused.

I can only wonder why.

Why did you break my trust?

Why did you have to lie.

All I did was love you.

Together we could have flied.

But now we sit here sinking.

Because you had to lie.

(end)

I dont’ need the lies anymore.

I’m strong, independent, beautiful, and capable of doing anything I set my mind on.

I don’t need to live in my dreams. I don’t need to live in my past.

I’m here now. I have so much to live for. Now… I’ve just gotta get this into my brain and actually live by it. Unfortunately, that’s the hard part.