Regret Part 2

So… I decided to go by his house and see if it was burnt down. On the way, I called his number to see if it was dissconnected or whatever… he answered the phone. That pissed me off, I didn’t talk to him, I just hung up. I went the long way home to check his house out. I just cruised by it on the street… and it looked fine. I was so pissed. I called him again and left an angry message on his answering machine… basically saying I had seen his house and his lies were stupid. I was finished with him then. He sent me a message last night saying I needed to go around to the back to see the damage. I’m not even going to bother. It’s not my problem. He revoked any right for me to have to bother when he told me to leave him alone and abandoned me and his child. I can’t help but feel a little trimphant. I could very well have saved him from this, but he chose to throw me away. I could be there for him, and he chose to turn away. So now he’s suffering and expecting me to drop everything for him, and I refuse.

He didn’t want to be around his son. I don’t know what possessed him to think that I actually would go for that. He has something else going on, but I’m not sure what it is. Right now, I don’t much care. I sent him a little email this morning basically saying that my life was with my son, and if he couldn’t come to grips with that, he might as well leave us alone. He can come back at any time to spend time with his son or support him, but I won’t have anything to do with anything else.

Don’t get me wrong, if you couldn’t tell from the chat session, my heart is totally weak. I care about that idiot so much. I couldn’t believe what he said, and I still have a hard time believing it, but if what he says is true… I am so heartbroken. He’s stupid and immature and needs a lot of help, but nobody deserves that. And I won’t act like I wish harm on him or don’t care. I just can’t react. I can care all I want, I can feel this horrible sadness for him, but I can’t do anything. Thats life.

I was so disapointed in him. I really wanted him to agree to try and be a part of his sons life, at least to meet him… but it’s not happening. I’m really sad about that. I was hoping and praying for a change. Instead, he just wanted to tell me his problems and then blow me off when I tried to get to the issues at hand. I don’t know what he wanted from me, maybe to fall apart. But I won’t… I have Jonathon to worry about, and that is the most important thing.

I wish him the best. But as of now, I must act as if he never contacted me. I made it clear in my letter that I don’t want to hear from him unless he wants to discuss our son. The end of the story. I really wish I didn’t know anything about what happened to him. I wish he had left me alone. At least that way I could just be sad and not feel like I’m abandoning him. I know I’m not, he’s a grown man, he can do what he wants… but it’s just who I am, I really feel horrible that there is nothing I can do to help him. There really isn’t.

Oh well. so there is what happened. I don’t know what he’s going to do. I still hope he, one day, wants to be a part of his sons life. but until that day, I’m not going to speak about it again.