Old Lady Vagina = FAIL

 

 

 

It’s almost 2 weeks till my birthday. Bitter Sweet.

BUT VEGAS BABY VEGAS!!!

I got a few great tips from my noters… keep ’em coming!!!

I’m so annoying… to myself.

Anyway, hi!

It’s weird that it’s Wednesday. It feels like Tuesday.

I’m all wacky and crap.

Whatever.

So yesterday was interesting.

I hate that I can’t remember all the things I want to write about. I envy people who recall their days and present them so well. I’m like…

yeah, I was walking, oh a cheeseburger! and then a ghost. But it looked like a turtle. I took a nap. okthanksbye.

Yeah….

anyway…

After work yesterday I went to the gym… ALONE.

dun dun DUNNNNN!!!!!

Angeringly (you like that new word I just created?!) I got tackled the second I went into the place by the guy who signed me up.

This is what I hate.

DON’T FUCKING PRESSURE ME, YOU ALREADY GOT MY FUCKING MONEY YOU PUNK.

You see, he jumps in my face with:  "HEY!!!! I’ve been calling you!!!"

I was like: "oh… really? Ok…"

him: "Yeah!!! I was gonna see if you found any people who wanted to join!!! Remember!!! Three new members!!!!"

I looked at him like he was on crack, which wouldn’t have surprised me.

I told him "Yeah, none of my friends are interested" (I don’t even HAVE ANY FRIENDS. har har)

and he was like "oh… ok…"

DUDE. Shut the fuck up. My job is NOT to be your recruiter. You’re not gonna pay me and really, I don’t appreciate being accosted as soon as I go into the place. It makes me not want to go there. It’s umcomfortable and rude. I might have to write a letter if it happens again.

Anyway, he then goes on to lecture me about going to the gym EVERY DAY and how that’s the only way to see results.

Sorry buddy, but if I was in there EVERY DAY… I’d probably kill myself. Seriously.

So anyway, I just smiled and nodded and ran the fuck away from him. UGH!

I wandered around in a big circle before I found the locker rooms (I hadn’t gone to that gym to actually work out yet… when Baboo and I went I spent the entire time getting signed up and swindled!!!). I liked the ones there though. It was huge with changing rooms and stuff.

I changed and went out into the fray.

I put my music on instantly and tried to tune out all the bold faced stares. It was horrible.

All the machines on the first floor were taken so I went up to the second floor wehre the free weights are. It was like being a piece of meat in a meat market. I wanted to die.

I found a bike and sat down. It took me about 5 minutes to figure out how to adjust the seat. I’m short so I really needed to move it forward. I finally found it and sat down all perky and ready to work out! rawr!!!!

So…. I pedaled… and pedaled… and pedaled… BUT NOTHING HAPPENED.

I started to freak out a little, like once again, I had NO CLUE how to use the stupid equipment. This chick next to me kept glancing in my direction. I’m not sure if she was considering helping me or if she just thought I was stupid.

I bet she thought I was stupid.

I was about to give up because it was the only bike free when the one next to me opened. I figured if that one didn’t work, I’d just go wait in line for another machine.

So I got on it (had to adjust my seat a million times, thank god I knew what I was doing by then!) and… it smelled… like the giant sweaty man that had been sitting on it before. I couldn’t let my OCD take over or I’d have run screaming from that place.

SO MANY SWEATY GERMY HANDS AND BODYS EVERYWHERE!!!

*breathe in… exhale*

Anyway… when I pedaled this bike, it lit up, so I guess the other was broken. I started a weight loss routine for 15 minutes but it couldn’t get my heart rate and so I ended up just manually setting a resistance and going at it.

After that I wandered back downstairs ignoring all the beefy meat necks staring at me. I could just hear them thinking "heyyyyyy" like the Fonze.

*snort*

Anyway, I wanted to try the eliptical machine but there were none free. I got in line behind this girl and proceeded to wait for about half an hour.

UGH.

when I finally got on I was ready to work out. I did another 15 minutes because I didn’t want to do too much my first time.

It was pretty fun, but my heart rate was high (around 166) the whole time and it kept saying "slow down to decrease your heart rate to target 124"… but when I did it would pause the work out because I was going too slow. So I just let it stay at 166. It said on the chart that more for cardio training and over the weight loss line. Whatever, I was sweating like crazy (gotta remember a towel next time!!! Oh wait, I’m going tonight and I dont’ have one. I’m really tempted to take their little member promotion with a towel, water bottle and ballys bag… hmmm *ponders* whatever!!!!) and I felt good after I was done.

And here is where it gets out of control.

<p style="text-align: left”>I go back to get my stuff from the locker room and come face to face with this little black woman BUCK ASS NAKED  trouncing around the locker room like it ain’t no thing. And she just HAS TO BE right in front of MY LOCKER and I’m trying to look ANYWHERE but at her NAKED BODY. I was happy I was able to avert my eyes and really only saw her wiggly boobs and wobbling butt. I did NOT WANT TO SEE HER VAGINA.

Ok, seriously.

no.

I know I watch porn and all, but NO, I do NOT  want to see SOME LITTLE OLD LADIES VAGINA!!!!! My eyes… MY EYES!!!!

Anyway, I quickly got my stuff and ran.. because at that point she was standing in a mirror doing gods knows what with her nakedness.

It’s just WRONG.

ew.

WRONG!

anyway, I got out of there without further incident (thank god) and walked by one of the pilates or yoga or SOMETHING classes. I might look at the schedule and see about doing one of those today. I really won’t be able to do classes much when the boys get back cuz the gym time will be late, from like 7 to 8 or something.

anyhowsssss… I stopped at Ralphs (where there were a bunch of employees following some homeless looking man… who they stopped at the door with a bag of stolen food… which they took back and then kicked him out. eeps!) and got some toilet paper cuz I ran out! agady! I also got some almonds.

mmm.

and weight watchers ice cream.

mmm.

i almost got peanuts and raisins for trail mix, but I decided to wait and put them back. haha!

And yah.

I got home, had a boring salad (I almost wanted to work out with DDR but my living room looks like the apocalypse right now… jeshus), watched a bunch of boring tv, talked to Baboo on the phone (and had to tell him how he’s GOING TO BE NICE to me on my birthday or he DIES!!!!) and then fell into blissful sleep and had dreams about trying to get to work in the rain army crawling through the streets with Baboo.

I have no idea.

I woke up feeling sorta achey in my legs. They are getting a massive work out.

I AM STILL NOT LOSING WEIGHT.

It is so annoying. I DO notice my clothes fitting a LITTLE bit nicer, but not much. I don’t know what to do. I have this pair of jeans I really wanted tow ear in Vegas, but it’s not gonna happen.

whatever.

I told Baboo that I am going to pick his clothes for the trip. ha ha. I want to go to a nice dinner and so I’mgonna get a cute outfit, and I just want him to match me. I might have to get him a shirt or something. Nothing drastic, it’s not like we’re gonna be twins… just coordinated!

anyhow, here I am.

Somehow I got gum on my shirt this morning. It pissed me off. Good thing it was just an overshirt, so I took it off. I just hope I don’t get cold. Fucking train ass bullshit!!!!

Well Happy April Fools Day ya’ll! I don’t think I have any "foolish tricks" today…

No, I won’t say ‘I’m pregnant!" or anything, cuz I’m not and joking about it makes me sad.

Oh well.

Maybe next year… *wink*