Oh yes, we had the baby talk again!

One of my staff just gave me a donut. Don’t worry. It was only a small "gem"… and I only had ONE. It was powdered.

and delicious.

So good morning.

Lots of things to write about today.

Including:

*My crazy mother and my tortured little brother

*Puppies!!!!!

*Last night, there were words

Oh yes, and I shall talk about them all! but not in that order!

This entry will be concerned with last night, because it is the most fresh in my mind. I will also include the puppy topic.

Are you intrigued?!

Neither am i.

ha.

Ok, so last night Baboo convinced me to come pick him up from his class and he was gonna treat us to dinner.

I did not go to the gym. (We are going tonight, tomorrow, and Saturday morning… I promise!!! I have my purse today and everything!)

I did stop at home however to check on my beans. They came out AWESOMELY. Not only did my crock pot work, but it worked well.

This confirms that my shitty roommate WAS messing around with my crock pot. I was having doubts near the end that maybe it was malfunctioning on the 10 hour cook setting and I was being unjust. But it worked just fine, so my fears of espionage are confirmed. He totally ruined three things I tried to cook by being a jerk ass.

GRRR.

i’m so glad I’m out of there.

However, there is very gloomy talk going around. Even MORE layoffs are expected than before, even if we take THREE  unpaid days a month, the lay off rate goes from about 400 to 800. I don’t even understand it and I’m really scared. They mentioned my division on the news report I watched this morning as being one of the hardest hit. I did the spreadsheet for it, we are already losing over 100 positions with the 400 lay off projection… does that mean over 200 now? It makes my head swim.

I sorta hate hearing this stuff on the news. I’m not sure how much is accurate. And I would like to think that anything MAJOR like that would be told to us, as the employees first! UGH.

I’m trying to keep my worry at bay. I won’t lose my job, I’m fairly certain, but the chance of demotion is high since I’m the lowest on the totem pole in the position I’m in with this section. The other 4 have been hear for years an years and years.

*sigh* It makes me think too much. About how I’d survive and what I could possibly do to fix it…

I wonder if my landlord and ex employee would let me stay in the house for a little bit cheaper rent.

If he continues to pay the utilities, I might be able to handle 1100 a month, but that’s 200 less than what I pay now… I dunno.

I guess time will tell.

I found an in home daycare center like a block away from my house. I need to get their number and see how much they charge. That would be super awesome. And they watch kids up to 12 years old, so it’s perfect. It would be nice if they were reasonably priced.

We’ll see… I might end up back in evil ass Lancaster by the end of the year. That would be awful 🙁

So onward with last night!

So after I went home I took a shower and got prettied up with make up and such and went to pick up Baboo. I like to try and look nice for him every now and again. A boy wants a girl who looks good right? I don’t want to get so comfortable that I just stop trying to look my best for him.

Anyway, we went to Chili’s in a different place, but we didn’t like it. They didn’t have the drinks he wanted and so we will probably never go there again. But we had a $5 off coupon I got in my email! Whee!

So I got a strawberry-mango margarita. It was so good. I think I’m turning into a margarita girl! *twirl*

I got a steak and ribs and it was tasty. I have left overs for lunch.

While at dinner my kids had their DS’s and Baboo was enthralled with his phone and it was really funny to look at… everyones head peering down into a machine. I texted Baboo that he should come over and get a bj and he just smirked at me.

Oh well! Ha ha…

Anyway, dinner was pretty ok and we went home in pretty good spirits. We stopped at a 7-11 and Baboo got himself a beer and surprised me by getting me a bottle of strawberry daquiri flavored wine cooler something or other (I saved it to drink on the weekend when he’s not around, he’s gonna be with his friends and stuff). Awwww, so sweet of him! Did I mention he also paid for the dinner? Yes…  He was a good boy last night. ha ha!

So then we went home and it was about 9 so the kids went right to bed… and so did Baboo and I.

We tried to watch the Ghost in the Shell replacement DVD that Netflix sent, but this one would only play the opening credits and NONE of the movie. It was pretty scratched up too.

I’m pissed.

i’m gonna complain but not ask for a new one. It’s a lost cause at this point. Maybe I’ll try to watch it again later… or never. whatever!!!!

So then Baboo turned on lost and I put my face in his crotch. (yes yes, some sex talk occurs, but it’s not THAT graphic!)

Commence long overdue blow jobbery!

That proceeded to some good sex. I had a nice long O… sometimes they are short and sweet… but the long ones are really nice. Feels like my body juts catches flame and just roars.

Very good indeed.

(Sex talk is over now…)

Afterwards I decided I’d breach the ever present "baby" subject.

I will probably leave the puppy convo for another entry at this point, since this is getting long…

Anyway, I asked him if he really thought he’d have to wait 10 more years to have a baby. And he said yes… falling back on some weird hang up he has on "always being 10 years behind" and all this. Which is just LAME SAUCE and a cop out as far as I’m concerned. And I told him so. No matter what other issues he has, he doesn’t HAVE TO WAIT 10 years to do this because he feels like it’s what he has always done.

I didn’t let it fly. I asked him if he realized that if he waited too long, that it would be too long forme. Sure I can probably still have a kid when I’m 40… but it’s dangerous and not cool if you think about the age factor. I want to have kids while I’m still young so that when they become self sufficient I’m still able to enjoy the rest of my selfish life… ya know? If I wait till i’m 40 to have my last kid… I’ll be 50+ before I can think about really doing stuff for ME again. I’m just now doing a lot more stuff, like the Vegas trip and such… because my kids are older and I don’t feel so bad leaving them.

Anyway, he said that he understood that.

So I asked him if that was the case, if he was thinking he’d just have a kid with some other woman.

And he basically said that was the way it seemed like it would happen.

I was instantly devastated and tears just burst for my face like i had sprung a leak. I turned away from him and hid under the blankets.

He tried to hug me but I felt really betrayed. To think he’d just keep me around until he’s ready to move along to a younger little female to bear his children is just EVIL AND WRONG.

And I told him so. I told him that as far as I was concerned, I didn’t want to be with anyone else. He is it for me. I wanted to have his child and have the rest of my silly years on this planet WITH HIM. I told him it wasn’t fair or right to just keep me around until he was ready to move on.

I also told him that I knew right now was not a good time to have a child. Hell, I know I probably have to wait at least 1 to 2 years before I can really feel ready to try. I want to be sure I’m steady in whatever job I’m doing and that our relationship is gonna last. I want to make sure we are at least in the best of the worst case scenarios before we try.

I told him that circumstances will NEVER EVER be perfect to have a child. But they can be more favorable and I’m more than willing to wait, as long as I know that we are on the same path. And that in 2 years or so he’ll be ready to try and not still saying "I have to wait till I’m 40"…

 

He kept saying "Ok 7 years… ok 6 years…"

and i made it clear that is still too long. The longer I wait, the more risk. I’m already high risk for blood pressure and diabetes… I don’t want to kill myself for a baby and I don’t want to have a horrible pregnancy or a sick child.

I think something made an impact because he seemed to ease more into my thinking when I told him that I don’t want a child RIGHT NOW. If I could handle one… sure! But I’m not super rich with everything all set out. I’m holding on by the skin of my teeth and it’s quite possible I could take a huge paycut… so I can’t be stupid and just have babies cuz I want to…

In a few years, I’m fairly certain things will even out. I’ll be out from under my fake marriage. I will be rid of my 640 dollar car payment. My credit will be slightly repaired…

So I think we came to a compromise that has me less confused and less upset about the whole baby situation.

I think we’re on the same page. And we can evaluate things on a more even keel now that he knows I’m not insane for it to happen immediately. Maybe that is what scared him… but I’m not an idiot. I have learned from my mistakes. I have been very blessed with the ability to care for the children I do have in a way that gives them a stable and good life. If I add another baby in the mix while the two of us are still going through a period of uncertainty with things, it would be a disaster.

So, while the baby fever isn’t gone and I’ll probably rant about it now and then…

I almost feel like I can shelve even talking about it for a while.

Awesome right? My clock is ticking, but the volume has turned down a bit now that I know my chances to have a baby with the man that I adore are viable and likely.

that makes me happy.

Plus, if I play my cards right… there may be something to distract me in my near future…