My First Boyfriend

I keep thinking about my first boyfriend. That sounds funny to me. I was 18… I met him at grad night. It wasn’t with my school… since I didn’t have a school really… it was with my cousins. She went to this small private school and invited me to go to Disneyland with her. Of course I jumped on that like nobodies business. I remember the day before. I was freaking out. I had the biggest case of low self esteem. I was also a bit depressed… ok, a lot depressed, but I didn’t know it then. I was sitting in my cousins room bawling my eyes out because I was scared. I didn’t know how to act in a big group of people anymore. I didn’t think anybody would like me. I felt like i would be isolated and teased the entire time. My aunt tried to snap me out of it, my cousin tried to talk me down… but it just made it worse. I was a wreck.

I remember I was gonna wear this really ugly dress.. it was a wierd one piece thing that looked like it should have been two and was just unflattering to my body type. My cousin made me go shopping and buy this form fitting knit thing with this laced up front. I kept tying it tight the whole time and she’d come back and loosen it saying “If you have the confidence, nobody is going to think its wierd. Flaunt what ya got girl” Or something to that effect.

So we were sitting onthe bus, and my cousin had kinda forgot i was there because she was having fun with her friends (which is exactly what I was afraid of) and then he got on the bus. Brandon… Oh god, hands down the cutest guy in the school. I was totally enthralled and I had to really work hard to not stare at him with a glazed expression and drool. He said hi to me, and I really thought nothing of it.

When we got to Disneyland he came along with our group. he kept asking me if I was having a good time and kinda flirting. I was so paranoid I didn’t really know how to act and I was kinda bitchy… heh heh… but near the end of the night I kinda cooled down. He sat next to me on a lot of the rides and we took our free picture with him on my side… kinda like we were together. God he was cute.

Anyhow, after that night I couldn’t stop thinking about him and when I got home I emailed him… and we started to email one another a lot. I went out on my first date with him. We saw this movie and kinda held hands. I got a really quick kiss goodnight and on the phone the next day we kinda joked about it. On our second date it was insane… we made out so much I don’t know how it can even be classified as anything but a make out session. We didn’t watch the movie we went to see, we didn’t eat… it was kinda stupid. Heh… but fun nonetheless. We saw each other one more time before he moved away to Sacramento. We wrote each other a lot during that time. I think he was gone for about 3 months. Then he moved back… kinda for me… cuz we had started writing about how we loved one another. We should have bought stock in phone cards, I bought so many so I could call him and not use long distance on my fathers phone. When he came back we saw each other two more times. We still wrote and talked on the phone and sometimes chatted online. Heh heh, it was a hard relationship.

We never made it official boyfriend girlfriend stuff until the last time he saw me. We were gonna get married… heh heh, after some time, mind you, but it was gonna be us forever. We were both virgins and wanted to give that gift to one another. Blah blah blah.

He broke up with me the next day. He didn’t want a long distance relationship. end of story. it broke my heart. Soon after I met the guy that raped me.

Continued next entry.