Make Up Sex

You know what’s weird about being mad at Baboo?

it doesn’t feel right.

I was so frustrated and disappointed and angry with him, and every time I looked at him I wanted to scream at him. He tried to touch me and I wanted to fling him off and yell in his face. Everytime his big brown eyes tried to plead with mine I wanted to scowl and tell him to shove it.

But after each of those feelings came an ache that I don’t understand. An ache that felt like it was shaking me inside.

It wasn’t right and it wasn’t good and it definitely couldn’t last long.

but it’s still there.

That ache.

And that’s why we need to have sex.

As odd as that is, we need to connect and be vulnerable to each other and I need to feel that closesness with him and smell him and sigh as i melt into him…

I need it so bad.

it’s so weird to realize the impact sex has on a relationship… and I wonder what I’d do if we WEREN’T have sex… what would replace that? I don’t know.

I hope we can tonight. I need it to get over the last bit of hurt that is festering around inside of the pit of my stomach.

I miss him even though he didn’t go anywhere.

I don’t want to get into dirty dirty details, but he broke his word to me. He went to his friends house and did exactly what I asked him to not do… and what he agreed he wouldn’t do.

It just hurt because it snowballed into all of this confusion where I had to go pick him up and he wasn’t where he said he’d be and I’m driving up and down these dark streets as it’s nearing midnight feeling trapped and scared and cornered and not sure if I should just go home and leave him wherever or keep looking for someone who I’m not sure I can find.

It was just really rough.

But we talked yesterday… well mainly I talked. I asked him questions and he answered.

He wants to be a man and not have his woman tell him who his friends can be.

I understand this. I dont’ want to tell him who his friends should be or what he can do when he’s out. But certain things, for the sake of our relationship and his health, are just NOT negotiable and if I have to be a nagging bitch about it, then I will. And he knows it. He asks me to do it, even if he tries to rail against me, he knows he needs me to stabilize his impulses sometimes, and so that is what I do… He doesn’t have to do what I say, but most of the time he agrees with what I’m telling him.

Except for giving up this friend. I asked him to please just stop going over there and he just made weird noises in his throat and wouldn’t give me an answer. He knows he needs to stay away, but he just can’t seem to lelt himself.

But I really wish he’d agree to leave that friend behind. this friend is NOT GOOD for him. he just drags Baboo down to his level and he’s just a creep who lives at home and does drugs and has a girlfriend and a baby with her… but did I mention she’s MARRIED TO SOMEONE ELSE. And this other guy is obviously retarded because the baby doesn’t look anything like him.

whatever.

it’s a damn soap opera scene.

but baboo likes it… because his friend is wealthy and I can almost tell he gets this sorta feeling of being priveleged when he’s with him. he tries to hide it, but he gets so excited when he’s going over there. His eyes light up and he gets this dumb smile.

He doesn’t think it shows, but boy does it.

So I can’t tell him who to be friends with, and I might as well not ask him to behave while he’s with him.

But I won’t be dropping him off or picking him up anymore.

and I"ll NEVER BE HAPPY ABOUT IT.

And I just hope that hurting me isn’t worth the "fun" he has with that dumb stupid friend of his.

I hope that making me happy is more important.

Before we went to sleep I held his head in my lap and I told him that he IS a spectacular boyfriend. I appreciate everything he is and he means so much to me and I don’t ever want to feel like I can’t trust him again.

I hope it works. I hope it stains his brains so he can not do that anymore.

I don’t know.

There is so much more that is positive than this one negative. It just sucks because we are doing so well. The last few months have just been amazing, more than I ever hoped…

you should see how he interacts with my kids now.

It’s so amazing. I never thought he’d get there, but there he is.

And I do love him so much, and I will forgive him this once, because it’s the first time…

but I hope there is no second.

I don’t want to lose this beautiful relationship we are creating. I hate that fucker for causing a rift in our relationship because he’s such a loser he can’t maintain his own life. Baboo even mentioned that he had to DEFEND ME to that piece of shit. Whatever, he’s just a hater because Baboo found an amazing woman and all he can do is steaa moments with someone elses wife (who does drugs too) and father a child who is going to have more issues than he does. Fucking waste of life.

 I swear to god, give me five minutes in a room alone with that douchebag and he’llcome out singing soprano with a different outlook on life… and he’ll know to never mess with what is mine again.

Oh well.

I’m looking forward to the make up sex.

Cross your fingers I get it tonight!