Long serious drama entry… ewwwww

 So my little one, Jacob, is a Star Wars FANATIC. At the childrens day they had this "Jedi Experience" group doing little shows.

I’m not a hater, because I’m a giant Geek-o-matic myself, but it was quite amusing to see these giant men and women all serious fighting with plastic light sabers. I felt bad for them. I wanted them to look cooler. There was some chick with a blue body and giant alien ears that was pretty cool, but otherwise they looked very sad. But they were committed at least!

Anyway, they were playing the Star Wars theme song before the shows started and it made my son literally freeze and scream with excitement. He would say "Oh mommy! I love Star Wars! I looovvvve iiiiiiiiit"… and I could only shake my head at my poor crazy child.

During the performance they had the kids put their hands out and "use the force" to push them back and eventually fight Darth Vader (the best costume they had, but Darth was really short! ha ha) and Jacobs face was so intent and serious like he really thought he was doing something.

Later he tried to be tough and say "Oh I was just pretending"… but I know differently. Oh yes I do!

Lunch in half an hour. It’s not going to be that fabulous.

I have a hot pocket and some ramen.

I should probably pick one and eat just that and have the other tomorrow, but I’m not sure how hungry I’ll be.

So I’m gonna cook both and eat the hot pocket and if I’m still hungry, the ramen. Otherwise, I’ll put the ramen in the fridge for tomorrow.

nothing better than reheated ramen right? THIS IS WHAT ITS LIKE WHEN YOUR POOR.

ha ha.

I hope we have lots of left overs.

It seems that we will only be bringing one turkey to Baboo’s house. His family doesn’t like turkey. I don’t quite get it, but whatever. To each his own. His mom is going to cook a chicken and everyone will be happy. I would have liked to have frozen the other turkey and cooked it fresh next month, but it’s defrosting now and there is no turning back.

so I’ll just do both. I’ll freeze one though…

I’ll post the recipe for the pumpkin gingerbread at some point. It looks like it’ll be good. I don’t know. I have enough stuff to make two batches, so if it comes out really good, I can make some for Christmas too.

So last night Baboo and I got into this super serious discussion and it made me want to cry. Just so many complications with my family and it makes me sad.

Honestly, they don’t really like or accept him. It’s not even fair because they don’t know him at all, but I know for a face that my step mother doesn’t want to know him and it makes me so mad.

My parents don’t trust me to make a good choice. A part of it comes with my history. I’ve made a LOT of bad decisions. I had kids with 2 different men, both of them abandoned me and their children and never looked back.They do not trust my judgement.  I have not been good at choosing.

I admit that.

But I think I’ve done worlds and worlds better. I have found my "one"… and there is no denying that. We are completely in this relationship together and we don’t foresee it turning out even remotely the same as any of our prior relationships.

Baboo’s parents accept me. I think his mom likes me. I’m good for him.

However, since I didn’t meet Baboo in church (preferrably THEIR church) and we aren’t rolling in holy sugar and dancing around the Jesus cupcake village… it isn’t acceptable. Baboo isn’t a giant talker who climbs up into their butts so they feel like he’s mysterious or something. Like he has something to hide.Quite frankly, his personal business is NONE of theirs… much like my own personal business doesn’t have to be blabbed around the dinner table and they don’t need to know every move that I make.

It just sucks that I have found the man I want to spend the rest of my life with and he looks at me with such pain in his face when he says that he just wants them to like him. And I don’t know what to do.

It’s not even really my dad. It’s my step mother. She’s turned into this critical shrew who just stares at him and won’t even try to get to know him or talk to him. They just want to ask him questions you’d ask a teenager who wanted to take out your young daughter, not a man who is dating your THIRTY YEAR OLD DAUGHTER.

I’m scared to tell them that I’m engaged. They know about my previous marriage and the fact that I’m not divorced yet. I don’t feel like we are rushing ahead of things. That marriage has been dead for over 5 years, I haven’t seen him in longer than that and I really shouldn’t have to chain my life down to a stupid piece of paper that the law says I have to abide by.

I am putting every penny of my tax return towards getting this divorce done next year. While I hope I will have some left over, if all of my money has to go to a lawyer than that is what I will do. I wish I could do it alone, but I just don’t know what to do now that the papers are filed. the man is GONE. I’m stuck.

He did his damage by destroying my credit and my ability to live a life outside of the cage he created.

and I swear to god I’m getting out of it.

Anyway, with all of that against me, my family is just not going to be be overjoyed that I’m engaged right now. it’s like they are cutting themselves out of all the important things in my life because they want to be judgemental. I want to tell them exactly that, but then it will cause hurt feelings and all sorts of crap that Thanksgiving will be ruined by.

So I’m tempted to just go and pretend like nothing is different for the sake of the day.

but who knows.

really.

even if I wasn’t married right now, they’d still look stupid. they think I need to find some stupid man at church and it’s just not going to happen.

i’m even waiting (partially) to try and have a baby to MAKE THEM HAPPY.

what kind of stupid life is that?

I know it would make my dad immensely happy if my next child was conceived in a marriage. I know this.

but my life shouldn’t be all about  making my dad happy.

I’m scared of them disowning me or something.

I know they wouldn’t do that to the extreme, but I know that they would withdraw all of their support and basically not really welcome me anymore if I had another child out of wedlock.

and while I know I have Baboo to help me now and I’m not so alone, it breaks my heart knowing that my choices of what to do with my body and my life are so damaging to my family connections.

ugh.

it makes my head positively THROB.

I didn’t plan on making this a long serious drama entry, but I guess that’s what it is.

ugh.